Pursuit for realization

A day never passes by knowing that i have been stuck in avoid and wanna get out but the fear of failing always holds me back.

A plain thought can make a big change without even realising, it just so happened that i used to always be high on temper and get irritated by the fact that i couldn't differentiate if people are being genuine or opportunist fake, and affected by the behaviour of the people towards me and ironically i used to feel the non existence of that same people who affect me.

All this started with the loss of my beloved father, he was my backbone and support for everything that happened in my life and the voice of reason in my life and all the decision i take was based on his invaluable guidance,he was the one with such a charm that he would always be the one who gives the advice with wits, he always heard my cry and held me when i was down and never thought i would lose him to death so soon and sudden.His demise came at the time when i was broken down by loss of my beloved father but this was more of a emotional loss that physical loss.As the day passed after his loss it hit me that a part of me had died with my father and i can never be the same old joyous and carefree guy that i used to be, so the void which was left started filling with anger,resentment and detachment from everything.

As days passed it made me think, why….i mean why am i like this, i want to be happy with the people i love but also i want to be away form all the people, may be because down the line i have learned that people only be with you for their own gain when your on top of your game, when you fall it doesn't matter to them and they just become a fading shadows in your life.

My mother and i both were shook by his demise and were not on a good talking terms because of my anger and resentment to talk to anyone and she always used to be in a grumpy , low key mood without having no one to talk and share, basically we both were in the same space but she was more into the acceptance of loss and i was in the denial of the loss.

So one breezy summer evening i just came from work, and as my usual routine i went out for a jog to get into my own space of thought.i was just running through the green grass with the evening breeze hitting the sweaty face, listening to my music and just enjoying the feeling of running away from every possible turmoils inside along with the feelings from everything and everyone.

Once i was done with the run, i sat in the bench to take a break and i was just observing around to see many people some with their families,some with their loved ones being happy and content and as a person who had just lost the most dear person always thought “why me… all that had happened, why me”, because what did i do to deserve this was always the question but never got the answer.

As i was thinking a breeze hit me and then was turned to a smokey cloud ambience all around with noting but white smoke and cold chill surrounding me and as i rub my eyes to see it clear there was a pious figure standing tall in front of me with eyes compassionate filled with love, face glowing with kindness and structure as mighty as a mountain,it had certain resemblance but i couldn't figure it out what then the figure looked down at me with its compassionate glowing eyes and said “ I have been hearing your cry for answer for a long time , and as your silent protector i have come to protect your from your own darkness”.I was shocked and confused by his words but awed by his enigmatic presence, then i got myself together and said“ what can be done when it already happened, noting can change that”, the figure replied “True, it cant be undone but your perception for reality can be changed and you might receive what you seek by just knowing the reality”

I was confused as to is this real or just happening inside my head, so i asked “How?” with a doubtful sound, then the figure replied “I know better than you know yourself , i am the mirror that is your real reflection”.Then he took both his hand and placed over my head like just giving me a blessing and a light just came within me inside my heart over my mind and filled my soul with brightness and i passed out at that instance.

A little later i just opened my eyes and shook my head to come to realisation that i was still sitting in that bench and everything was same at that moment with everyone doing the same stuff that they were doing at the time when the magnificent figure was talking with me as if the time had stood still when i was with that heavenly figure , i was still in disbelief of what had happened a moment before, so i went to home and rang the bell as usual, My mom answered the door and asked me with a scolding voice “Why so late, don’t you know its night and you have to have dinner, being always out and being irresponsible” and then something really unusual and may be weird happened, i could hear my moms thoughts and i could hear the genuine concern in her mind and saw the eyes filled with concern as i was walking pass her ” why does this child come always so late, and i wish he could be at home spending time with the family rather than being alone, how to make him realise i am there for him and he is not alone

Then a sound came from above similar to the figure i had seen in the park saying “This is your path and the power to find the answers you see….

Next day i just woke up and thought what happened regarding the entire scenario in park was a dream, so just woke up and got freshen up to get ready for my college.My mother prepared the breakfast warm and hot she said to me “have it and go to college” with a stern voice , on any usual day i would just go ignoring it and not bothering about mom but that day i heard a mind voice of my mom thinking to herself “ hope he eats the breakfast today, seeing him eat will give me a inner satisfaction of me doing my job as a mother properly”, so i sat down that day for breakfast and that instant i noticed that my mom had a calm smirk in her face.Then i finished my breakfast and left for college without saying bye to mom, but then i realised i left my mobile phone in the phone charger and went back to home for my mobile, and i could see my mom smiling but i didn’t realise why she was smiling looking at me then i heard mom thinking “ May be he came back to say bye before going to college” , so i took my mobile and then went to my mom and gave her a hug after god knows how long and then i felt a warm fuzzy hands of my mom holding me tight and i said to her “ bye, see you soon” and then off to college.

while on the transit towards college i came to the observation that by people that includes me being on our thoughts they usually ignore the ,small gestures and words that could make a big difference.

and i college i came across all my friends and everyone but i couldn’t hear there thoughts so it made me think “why am i just hearing my moms thought” .so as the day passed and i finished my college and returned to home, i really got a pleasant surprise when mom opened that door i could see that she was smiling and hugged me and then she said to me “today i was feeling good about myself, so i thought i would make your favourite dinner”, i just smiled and said “ thank you mom” and then she leaned towards me and kissed my forehead and that time i felt a warm being loved like feeling and everything around me changed from dark shadows to bright warmth.

Then even in my usual routine of thought running in the park, i felt something good about myself and feeling that i am needed and loved.so i sat in the bench and was just observing all the cute kids playing being overlooked by their parents and all just being calm and pleasant.

suddenly a similar chill occurred around and i just blacked out, when i woke up i saw that pious figure again and this time i felt a closeness to it , so the figure stood and front of me and then proclaimed “Did you find what you wanted to move your emptiness in your soul”, i said to the figure in a calm voice “i don’t know but i do feel a feeling of redemption inside me”, hearing what i said the figure gave a smile and then the figure came near me,held my hand and made me stand in front of the figure and me look into a mirror like structure in his palm which showed my mom smiling even though she was alone in home sitting waiting for me to come back home, and the only difference of today from other days where that she was waiting for me happily and even i was eager to talk and share my thoughts and feel with my mom after the incidence of my dad and let our emotions go

Now it felt that we both were to ready to talk about our inner demons and grief, so i gently saw towards the figure and told him “ did you just made me read my moms thought so that i could see past myself and see what others feel too and how our loved one behaviour may make us realise our true care and self”, the figure just smiled and gave a approval saying “ alas, you have now realised the importance of being open towards loved ones feeling and letting yourself go in peace in the process”.

Then with a swift breeze of a moment i could see the figure fading out into the smoke, and i was getting a bit drowsy, so in an reactive instinct i asked the figure “ what did i do to deserve this realisation”, The figure answered “ I am the one who saw your grief, i am the one who saw your perseverance to find the answer , i am the one your protector, and i am the one standing with authority of a ‘FATHER’ figure”.

And then the black out appeared and i woke with a shiver to realise i was in the same park in the same bench but with a different feeling, the feeling of realisation of being who you are and for yourself to be happy always love your near and dear ones and keep them close to be happy”.