Leona Waller
Sep 1, 2018 · 2 min read

Many women happily consent to sex when they know the other person won’t stick around, or when they don’t plan on sticking around themselves. The most important part of consent for a (heterosexual) woman is that the man respects her boundaries.

The idea that a husband is more likely to respect boundaries than a hook-up is… confusing to me. I guess he will have to deal with cold oatmeal for breakfast or whatever if he doesn’t, but any man that doesn’t respect women when he is single won’t respect women when he’s married either.

The weak spot in your argument seems to me to be that somehow men’s libido is uncontrollable. Admittedly you have a lot more experience with this than I do. Maybe men really can’t control the urge to fuck anything that looks juicy.

But that still doesn’t directly translate to forcing women into sexual acts. Women can also be horny as hell, strike out at the bar, go home and get off all by their merry selves.

Men aren’t pushing women beyond their comfort just because they are horny, but because — sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously — they believe what they want matters more. It’s the idea that men’s pleasure is more important than women’s comfort, which, to be fair, is just an internalized in women as it is in men.

I don’t see how marriage is going to fix that.

Men need to learn to be detectives, picking up on the first hints of discomfort and uncertainty in women, so that they don’t end up in a gray area. And women need to learn to say “yes” or “no” loudly and early so there is no gray area. And then men need to respect that “no” and go home and beat off themselves, or they are rapists and should go to prison.

It’s true what you say about men needing to be cognizant of their physical power over women, and the threat of violence women perceive everywhere, from every man. That’s why it is imperative for men to respect women’s words. Because that’s our only defense.

Unfortunately, women are often even afraid to verbalize “no” for the violent or aggressive reaction it could elicit. Even if it’s just the guy calling her a “bitch” and storming out. Why do you think women are so cold at bars? We don’t want to send of any signal that could be misconstrued as a invitation for physical contact. But guys keep pushing it. Like we are suddenly going to change our minds if you’re obnoxious enough. Men don’t respect women’s boundaries. So that’s why men also have to learn to read women’s body language. If dogs can do it, I think you guys can too!

So what we have really learned is that women and men define consent differently. A woman can feel pressured when a guy thought he was just flirting. Men must learn to be more sensitive, aware, and respectful, and also hold their peers to the same standard instead of glorifying their “conquests.”

That’s what I think we need to be teaching the next generation, along with condoms on bananas.

Leona Waller

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Walking the line. Sarcasm with Philosophy. Spirituality with Irreverence. Science with Woo. Opinions with ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Profile art by The Undeniable Gina Kiel