My first text — Dragon, cellphone, abyss

At least in Brazil, 30’s crisis is for men that panic because they realize they are not just grown teenagers anymore. Judging by ladies’s general perception, it might even be good thing, once some of them just keep themselves as Peter Pans on 30’s, 40’s and on.

Well, this text is not meant to judge nobody (but myself), so we are not talking about men X women issues, but to bring a different 30’s crisis to the table.

A quick digression, if you allow me, but since I was a kid, I always felt myself as a special person. Deep in my heart I know that I was born to make great things, and I know a lot of people share the same feeling. The problem is: I am almost 30 and instead of finding the cure for cancer, winning the Nobel Prize or taking people out of misery, I’m being just another engineer at the office waiting on 5PM.

A few days ago I was hearing a great Brazilian philosopher that says that “watching life pass, is suicide with a medicine dropper”. I know, that’s a mistake. I shouldn’t give attention to a philosopher (unless I am seeking for deep depressions), but, well, it has been heard, and I don’t intend to forget it any sooner.

Nietzsche — Eternal return law, Bukowski — “find what you love and let it kill you”, Freddie Mercury — “Boredom is the biggest disease in the world” and everywhere else I look, I see people telling me that I’m in the wrong path, and I kind of agree with that. That just fits my childhood feelings perfectly. So, it all comes down to one simple question: What the fuck is more important than that, that could reasonably explain the fact that I make time for everything else in the world, but what I should be actually doing?

Well, don’t understand me bad. The problem is not the Instagram, or Tinder, or whatever the fuck it is. The actual question is: Why am I not focused on actually living or producing? And a bigger thing comes right after this. I have the answer for that question.

I would have to fight my internal dragons for that. This is the problem. I would have to fight the my fear of not getting anything, wasting time and wasting money for nothing, for example. How am I supposed to do that, if I am not even used to fight a 3-minute-moment of loneliness. If I start to feel myself a little bit uncomfortable for being lonely for 10 seconds I stick to my cellphone for 30 minutes, just to show loneliness who the fuck is giving the orders here.

It works just exactly as an antidepressant in terms. It cut my emotions so I can watch a funny dog video instead of feeling down. The thing is, when I feel down, is myself telling me that something is going wrong. Instead of hearing, I shut it down asap.

Well I have news to the abyss now. Go ahead and gaze me long. But be careful: I’ll gaze back into you.