What would you like to ask your parent(s)?

Leonie Westenberg
Jul 23, 2017 · 3 min read

Is there a question you would ask your parent(s), if you could, if you dared?

Maybe not. Maybe, yes.

Maybe this is not even important to you. But when I ask others this question, I am surprised at how important it is to them.

I’d like to know why she had me, when she had no space in her life and soul for a child?

I’d ask something about me, about me as a child and about me, now.

I really want to know what he honestly thinks of me and of my life.

Can I borrow some money?

What did you always want to tell me, but haven’t had the courage to?

These are some of the replies I have received. I am interested in yours, and in mine.

Why? Because I think these questions tell us a story about ourselves. They may signal unfinished business. They may also hint at questions we have, about ourselves and our lives. They can highlight our priorities and needs (money, yes, but also approval or connection).

A seemingly casual question about a question can become a tool for self-knowledge, for growth and for building relationship with others.

A friend of mine, when I asked him this question, talked about love and respect. He wondered why his parents could never accept who he was. His wondering reminded him of what it was that his parents wanted for him. In exploring this, he came to realise that what it is they wanted was an impossible dream. He could never be who they wanted. But he could be himself. That was a possible dream that required only self-acceptance, not parental acceptance. He then found energy to move on to this possible dream, parental regrets aside.

A colleague noted that she would like to ask her dad, a single parent, what it was that he regretted in his life so far. She hadn’t asked her father that question yet, not because she thought he wouldn’t answer, but because she thought he would. And that the answer might be painful. What if he regretted her, having her, caring for her, as a single father? This pointed to her own deepest fear (that she was a mistake and unwanted) and also to her deep connection with her father ( in awe of his life and choices and sacrifices in bringing up a child alone). In the end, my colleague came to see that the question was important to her and important enough to voice. She talked to her dad, over wine. Their honesty took their relationship to a deeper, closer place. They moved beyond “Hows work?” — “Fine” …to talk of real, raw, honest issues.

And this all started with a question.

So, how about you? What would you ask your parent(s) if you could, if you dared?

You don’t actually have to ask your parent the question, you know. But ask yourself. For your answer may just surprise you. It may show you what you consider important. Your answer may provide another answer, about wishes and dreams. Or it may prompt another question.

So, go on. Grab your laptop or journal. Or linger a little longer over a coffee at lunch and ask yourself this question. See what comes up. Take note.

Then, later, take action.

Why? Because:

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards—Søren Kierkegaard

Look backwards to live and move forwards.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade