A letter to my former lover to let him go
You came to me at the most unexpected time. I’m not sure if I can say you came to me or if I came to you, but you know the story, I don’t have to repeat it. For the first time in my life, I’d found something exciting to look forward to, someone I couldn’t wait to talk to, a reason to fix my insomnia and fall asleep faster so I’d wake up in time to talk to you in the morning. God, I’d never met anyone quite like you. You were uncharted territory for me. Scary, thrilling, exhilarating, so painfully beautiful. I was drawn to you like wolves are drawn to the full moon.
For the longest time I’d been completely empty, numb, so much pain had flood through my body I wasn’t able to let myself feel anymore, I was scared of both crying and being happy. You came like a hurricane in my life and all those walls I had worked so hard to build up came crashing down, taking me with them as they went. I remember the exact moment I felt something change in my soul; I was sitting on a chair smoking after a long day at the beach in this huge apartment balcony that faced both the beach and the city and live Montenegrin music could be heard out of a little irish pub and you asked me something, I can’t for the life of me remember what, but I got scared for a second. “This guy” I thought, “he is going to fucking change everything”, but it wasn’t a bad scare, it was just different, full of hope and prospect. Over the months that followed we grew so much closer. We’d talk every single day and you’d text me at 3am because you couldn’t sleep and you were feeling sad. I was too but I cared too much about you to preoccupy you with my problems, so I listened, and I talked to you until I made sure you were good or at least fell asleep. I’d never met someone so damaged in my life. You made me face my fears without even trying to. You told me you loved me on the 25th of August at 2:32am (I’m not crazy, I just have that conversation saved up somewhere in my phone where I won’t remember to check as often as I used to). I didn’t realize until then how much I felt for you, but my heart was bursting out of my chest and I had a huge idiotic smile on my face after crying for hours and I knew. I knew that I loved you like no one before, so I said it back. But your problems seemed too much for you to handle, so you’d talk to me and tell me you care about me and speak your heart out about everything that was making you feel like you weren’t worthy of this life and then you’d push me away, you’d fucking shut me away by telling me that you’re not good for me. You’d keep pushing me and pulling me back and playing a yo-yo game and I’d let you do it. “Why am I not good”, “I’m doing this for you, you fucking idiot”, “I care about you”, “You haven’t sent me a pic today”, “Why are you wasting your time on me”, “I’ve never been as attracted to anyone as I am to you”, “Sneak out and come see me”, “I’m not worth it”, but you were fucking worth it to me. You told me everyone eventually gives up on you, and I promised you that I’d never give up on you. Maybe that’s what’s been keeping me from moving on for so long. Even after you gave me every reason to leave and literally shut me out of your life I kept trying. Even after you went back to the girl who as you claimed had fucked up your life and tore us apart, I still took you back, and I never asked about her again. I didn’t want to fail you. I didn’t want you to be right. I didn’t want to break my promise. I didn’t want to ever give up on you. God, I would never give up on you. I guess I never really thought you’d be the one giving up on me. I couldn’t understand what in the World could make you hate me so much when all I’ve done is love you. I blamed myself for months after. “What did I do wrong”, “What more could I say to make him believe that I never hurt him in any way”, “Why did I trust her and let her interfere instead of just trusting him”. But I did trust you. I trusted you with my life. I kept telling myself that you loved me and you were trying to protect me from whatever twisted game you guys were playing with each other. I didn’t wanna accept the truth. I guess we all learn eventually, and I know that there’s nothing more I could have done, and there’s nothing I could have said to make it better. You chose to leave and you were too weak to accept that someone loved you and you went back to that train wreck never ending cycle of hatred and depression and you can never, ever blame me for giving up on you. You gave up on yourself, and you gave up on me. I’ve finally gotten to see what love should really be like and what true happiness is and I’m ready to let you go. I’ve been ready for quite a long time now. And not all of it was bad. You gave me some of the most beautiful times and they’ll always be memories in the back of my head, but you’re no longer the reason for me to be happy or for me to be sad. Farewell, love! This is my Goodbye!
