Hi. My name’s Michelle and I’m a carboholic. No really. Like I don’t think you understand… We don’t really know each other yet but one of these days I’ll tell you about ‘Donut Madness’. It’s a ride.
Anyways, since I’m kind of a control freak and the whole “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol… ahem carbs… and that our lives had become unmanageable” thing doesn’t really resonate with me, I’ve had to find ways to deal.
I started reading about ketogenic (keto) diets a while back. And not the fun, humorously written books. No. The dry as fuck sciency shit. And it was pretty compelling.
Long story short, it makes you feel AH-MAY-ZING. Crazy energy. Great sleep. I am a convert.
Because it’s pretty much magical, for the last year-ish I’ve been pretty into the keto woe (way of eating for the uninitiated. You’re welcome).
But seeing as I may be the actual least domestically inclined person to ever roam this earth, the foundation of adhering to said diet was eating multiple Quest Bars and Quest Chips. Every day. Maybe I’d sneak a cheese stick in there every once in a while. Shit was crazy.
I knew that it probably left something to be desired with regards to actually being healthy, and I had always thought ‘I’m going to cook more damnit. I’m going to be somebody!’ But alas that day never came. Until… (dun dun dunnnnn).
Recently my world was flipped upside down. I bit into my favorite flavor (Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough) Quest bar anticipating that rush of DELICIOUS inherent to the experience and was utterly stunned.
My taste buds were met not with that beloved and familiar cacophony of flavors (yes it was so good you could HEAR the flavors).
Nay. This bar was different.
This bar tasted like the shit that flakes off of Donald Trump’s scalp (yay current event references!).
Now bear in mind I have been buying these mothers by the pallet for the last three years. For sure I’ve spent the GDP of a small country with them over the years.
Now, Quest has always had issues with consistency between batches which was pretty lame, but this was something different.
I double checked the expiration date. Far in the future.
I took another bite to be sure. Still tasted like a rabid rodent shit in my mouth.
I threw it in the trash and opened another bar. Same thing.
What. The. Fuck.
Well as ever the interwebs provided me with the enlightenment I sought. Quest Nutrition has changed their fiber source in order to improve blah blah blah.
Well as they say, breaking up is hard to do.
So I begin grieving the loss of the source of no less than half of my daily caloric intake.
Which makes me hungry. I eat when I’m sad.
And what’s one donut going to hurt? I can get back into ketosis pretty fast….
So it’s four days and (I shit you not) about sixteen thousand carbohydrate rich calories worth of beer, pizza, candy, and Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter later and boy do I feel like satan’s taint. Ok so clearly keto living is the life for me.
But what the fuck am I going to eat?!!!
I guess now is as good a time as any to try my hand at this whole ‘productive member of society’ thing…
So I decided, I’m going to learn how to cook. I’m going to be somebody! And what the hell, I’m going to write about it. Probably.
I will be collecting the best recipes/tips/keto related awesomeness the internet has to offer, adding some colorful language and a few jokes, and writing about it here for you lovely folks who are interested.
I can not wait to tell you about the grilled cheese I made the other day.