The only answer I had — rather the only tool I had in my tool kit at that moment was the ‘work-longer’ tool.
The negative, doubting voice was not quieted by quippy GIFs tell me to “Be Cool Bro.” The cursor blink somehow felt antagonistic. Alas after hours of work, I completed something. I wasn’t sure what, but there were characters, columns, indents, methods, strings and even an array for good measure. The unnerving part was due to three things:
- Uncertainty of what I’d even created on the paper.
- Uncertainty of why it worked or didn’t.
- The amount of hours it took to reach “completion”.
These things ganged up on me, mugged me in the corner and made feel like success wasn’t what I’d achieved.
However, dramatic expressions aside, it has been long and infrequent when I’ve felt these pangs of ineptitude. In most things I’ve done, I understand some miniscule amount and can hang my ego hat on that. Not this go round. Nada. Zlich.
This feeling hung with me until it finally dawned upon me that my only answer was, keep working.
It didn’t really matter what it felt like.
Learning and winning are great feelings. I dig feeling mastery, but the value is in BOTH the process and the knowledge. The application of, or the ability to apply the knowledge is an outcome, thus mastery is an outcome of THIS exact process. Here I was sitting on a “W” without even realizing it because it felt like struggle.
Sometimes the “win” feels like a struggle.