From Microaggressions to Metropolis: Unpacking Why I Moved from Kobe to Tokyo
“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” — Paul F. Davis
My story in Japan is a little the opposite of most people's. After solo traveling around the country, I was so excited to move to Japan. But unlike a lot of people, I decided not to live in Tokyo. I chose Kansai, or western Japan instead as my starting point. I first lived in Osaka and loved the outgoing and friendly nature of the city, the easy-to-understand trains as well as the cheap, good food. Tokyo had seemed a bit cold when I first visited, so I thought Kansai was where it was at!
Embracing Kansai: Initial Impressions
Navigating cultural differences in Japan is something to be expected after moving to a new culture, and this was easy enough to accept. Osaka was great, although I was a little confused by the local dialect. I ended up switching jobs and moving to Kobe, the next city over, and ended up meeting my husband there. He grew up in Kobe but had lived in Indonesia for a while. When I asked him why, he said, he was “sick of Japan,” which was a little concerning since I had moved here for the long run, but I thought we could at least start by making our best out where we currently were.
Unraveling Subtle Discomforts: Cultural Observations in Kobe
I didn’t understand why he thought Kobe was so bad. I mean, it is a beautiful port city with the mountains and sea nearby, plenty of shops and lots of people. Plus, it’s well-known for being a particularly chic and posh area of Japan. At first, I thought I just wasn’t used to things, but the longer I stayed, the more unsettled and awkward I started to feel. And the more I started to look around me, the more I began to notice that perhaps, I too, did not fit in here.
The red flags came in small, subtle rounds that were hard to pin down. Something always just felt a little bit off. Sure, there were microaggressions and subtle discomforts where I would be stared at. But experiences of being stared at in Japan are not all that uncommon, right? I’m foreign, so this kind of thing is to be expected, I thought. Or maybe it was because I’m speaking Japanese? That’s odd, right?
But the more we ventured out to the countryside, the more I felt uneasy in the city of Kobe. In the countryside, people would stare as well, but it was more of a curious, surprised kind of look and they would say hello back if I greeted them. In Kobe, people would make a rather strong kind of eye contact, albeit sometimes a kind of side-eye. And it wasn’t just men, it was women and people of all ages. I would say hello to them in Japanese and be friendly, but they just. kept. staring. Long after I had passed by, they were still staring.
Apart from the staring, I had a few strange experiences with language. I would often frequent the local market by our house and knew the shop owners and staff well enough as I spoke their language and saw them weekly. I once brought a friend and was translating for her, and when I talked with the regular staff, I noticed she was starting to get agitated and more and more tense. After I couldn’t take the tension anymore, I asked her what was wrong. She angrily told me, “I can’t speak English!” and I calmly, but firmly told her, “We’re speaking Japanese.” She then smirked and said, “Oh, yeah. Right.” I couldn’t go back to the shop after that incident.
Perception vs. Reality: Kobe’s Conservative Side
I started to get uncomfortable with these strange little microaggressions, but they started to have an impact on my daily life. I started wondering if something was on my face, or if I was unkempt or something. I felt a bit isolated, so I started observing the women’s fashion around me, trying to see if there was something I was missing. I came to realize that there was almost no color — everything was black, white, beige, or navy!
At first, my husband laughed off my unease, saying, “Well you’re beautiful and foreign,” but the more we walked around town, the more he also began to feel uncomfortable. We started talking to some local friends who were a little older than us and ran an independent bicycle shop and cafe. The husband laughed and told us, “Well, you know, Kobe’s like that. It’s a bit conservative.” And that’s when it hit me! This is a port town, with a long history of trade, yes, but with a more recent history of being a naval base with a lot of pride. I was so relieved because it finally all kind of made sense.
Kobe, from a Japanese point of view, is a chic, seaside city with just the right balance of everything. You can don your fancy clothes, explore the older Western-style homes, have a nice coffee, and stroll along the port with its glittering lights. From a foreigner’s perspective, if you live in an English bubble, it’s also quite nice. But when you start to really dig into the culture, you might see some other sides to living in a conservative city.
I started to notice subtle landmarks around me, like those in Egeyama Park. There are huge monuments to naval history, but on the outskirts of the park, near the local train that runs up the mountains to the countryside, there is a tiny monument, barely accessible and tucked away onto a hillside to the Korean workers who built the railroad here.
I also started noticing the lack of diversity. There was Nankinmachi with its Chinatown-esque atmosphere, but it more or less felt like it was tailored to Japanese tourists. Then, there are the small pockets of Vietnamese, Nepalese, and Indian emigrants, but they generally don’t mix with the local Japanese and there are plenty of signs in their languages rather strongly explaining how to properly dispose of garbage.
All this began to have a significant impact on my sense of belonging. I wanted to like Kobe. It was my hometown, Seattle’s, Sister City after all. But I couldn’t help feeling gaslit in this “Westernized” city. There are some big discrepancies between Kobe’s perception and reality.
The Breaking Point
Ultimately, the last straw for us came when my husband seriously decided to start learning English. We had been using Japanese up until that point, but were going for our usual walk around the port in the evening and this time, everyone was staring at him. I felt strangely relieved because I was suddenly somewhat invisible. But as we were walking, he pointed it out and how creepy it made him feel. He then said, “This must be what you were experiencing!” We have our cross-cultural challenges of course, but this was something we could both understand. We talked some more at home about it and decided we were both ready to move. We just didn’t know where yet.
We delved into more diverse areas of Japan, and a few seemed promising. Fukuoka was offering tech-startup visas to attract new foreign talent, while Hokkaido was wonderful according to foreign locals. We even looked at the quiet, seaside town next town over to Kobe or Osaka, but ultimately, they were part of the same general Kansai culture my husband and I were tired of. However, whenever we would look for diversity, it was Tokyo that kept coming up.
Tokyo: The Adventure
We decided to take a week-long vacation to Tokyo — our first time visiting there together, to a little area west of Shinjuku, as recommended by his brother. We had only been in Tokyo for a little bit, walking around and exploring the neighborhood, when I asked him, “So, how is it?” and he said, “Perfect.” We were both so energized and had the same gut feeling that this was the place for us. Once we put that ball in motion it wasn’t long before we had moved.
After relocating from Kobe to Tokyo, a part of me is still a bit sad. I still want to like Kobe, and I don’t hate it. I even have the local dialect left over! But I know that the subtle microaggressions weren’t good for my health and even though it’s an ongoing process of adapting to a new city and its culture, I’m really glad to be in Tokyo.
I hope for those of you considering a move to Japan to take this with a grain of salt. Everyone’s experience is different and there are always a lot of factors that go into deciding where to live. I hope someday in the future to visit Kobe again with my husband as tourists and take a walk where we had our first date. That will always be special.
If you’re looking for more stories about life in Japan, you can read my other stories here, or check out my Instagram for more daily life updates!
