orchard of my divinity

I cannot breathe

The lungs in this body are raw

My heart gasping like it’s been running thru the night

In a storm of pain and anger

The sadness in me

Is stronger than all of the muscles

It takes to make a smile…

It wins.

The smile retreats to the long ago

Shelf of memories

Of how life used to be

I cannot find a mother’s helper

Helpful enough

Intoxicating enough

To make me leave my own mind

My own desperation

Frustration of what is my today

I do not understand

For all of the deft light bulbs

Within this brain can’t turn off the darkness

Imprisoned by what I cannot change

And the reality of the change that has happened

Nothing could have prepared me

For this

Everything I have lived for

Was for not.

My memories are no longer happy to see

… in the movie

Behind my eyes.

It only brings a deluge of tears

That seem to never stop

And sting the cheeks

That abhor the kiss of empathy

And are stained by a lifetime of crimson sleeves

That have smeared away the marks of truth

That come rushin down my face without reason or rhyme

Their melody is that of being awake

Forever in tune with the inhale of despair and the exhale of blues

My heart, this instrument

Of broken cords

Out of tune symmetry with my soul

Picking away

The lemons from my lemon tree

Squeezing the sour from my spirit

And drinking it down to the roots of my creation

The orchard of my divinity

Has been robbed

My apple rotted by the worm of illness

The soul of the earth to lament the drops of my torrent

And I, to suffer silently in the deafening of my existence.

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