sundown sham

Sometimes I just don’t care
I have spent almost half my lifetime with someone who wouldn’t care to listen to me more than a wild dog whining in the early morning hours for it’s pack.
He has no more shown me love as he has shown me how burdensome I am in the corner of his mind.
I feel like a candle whose wick is wet and split in thousands 
…impervious to being loved entirely as I’m plain to light…
At least that is how I feel with him.
Just an open window, where the pain seeps in and out as the days know not the glare put upon the pane.
My pain.
I will never be the same.
Never to go back to mountains ago, to whisk in the day I felt your brooding energy revel in my field.
How your neediness crumpled my petals and smashed my stems.
I knew then.
But I could not let go.
I tried to grab a wave
Hold air.
And I have been sobbing ever since.
It is my doing
Of my undoing
To pluck something 
Someone
Out of season
And forever wait for the hour 
To be ripe
The only magic in being lost
Is the searing hope to be found
You never looked
Never tried.
Couldn’t
You were too consumed by the intoxicating dream of your own materialistic success.
And you did succeed.
I am happy for you.
Am I?
I want to scream at you
Rip your chest open 
Find your heart and see if it is made of illusions
I could never swallow that my love was not our perfect remedy.
Always thought
But never
never
never
Love couldn’t be made by afternoon showers on fake flowers.
My secrets were not to be sipped at a pretend tea party 
My soul was not to be journeyed on a simulated path
My spirit not to be lifted by the mere whisper of a sundown wind
I am not to be 
Loved by you.
You couldn’t love me if I showed you how
Read you a book and tucked you in
Your dreams would still be of pompous peaks and painted masks.
My candle burns on
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