What God Taught Me
God is a living God which means I need to be ready to listen, learn and do. (And remember to open and read my Bible)
Crying is cathartic to me but I had not done so in a while, even though I felt like I could. The tears would not come but I felt so bad. My tears turned inward and remained trapped until the other day.
I sat in silent thought (television muted) the other evening wondering how I can do more to help myself overall. I need a detailed plan.
The thought occurred to me that I lack wisdom. I cried when God put that idea about Himself in my mind.
Wisdom is the feminine side of God, I read somewhere. I opened my study Bible and found a psalm or two on wisdom but the point is made that wisdom comes from God.
When was the last time I listened to God? I last listened to God when we were fighting — or rather when I was fighting Him. I was angry about death and sin. Both affecting my life greatly. Huge life impacts on both accounts but I won’t get into the details here because, why?
I cannot do anything but pray and resist evil (it will flee) lead a pious life (go to church) and accept the fact of death (from dust we come and dust we shall return). (Yes, I still hate death because I am selfish and narcisistic and only look at death from the stand point of how it affects me, not the person who rests in heaven.)
The macroeconomic view is hard to understand because it just is what it is and the micro of it contains technical details that have the potential to derail an unwise woman. I was derailed for a while but then I woke up and called on the Lord through intense prayer and contemplation.
I got tired of getting my tail whipped because it hurts and I got tired of running into brick walls.
I stopped letting the world tell me what to do because it is obvious the world is evil and does not have my best interest in mind. However, God has does have my best interest in mind. I am chastised as a wayward daughter but I little bit wiser. It says somewhere in the Bible if I am embarrassed about Jesus then He will be embarrassed about me during Judgement Day. I was behaving in a way that indicated I may have lacked understanding of Jesus and his great sacrifice. I was ungrateful and thoughtless and selfish like an impudent child. I am now exposed and ashamed of myself.
I have not handled well some life-changing events these past years. The death of a man I met when I was 20, the aging of my parents and changes that come with my own old age. All of these incidents are a huge blow to my support system. (It is no longer hard to fathom my own body letting me down.)
What a selfish way of looking at things. It is immature. Worried so much about what I would do without the help of others, I did not pay enough attention to what I should be doing to manage my hard-to-manage teenage son. I was angry because I am doing this alone. His dad is dead but it is not the end of our world and for that should be grateful. I can honor every day all the good that has come from my marriage and the birth of my children instead of grousing about the difficult nature of childrearing.
So I decided to change. I take hints and suggestions for my own improvement so that my own and my children’s life can advance and we can experience abundance and not lack.
My father has been on me for years to stop eating so much meat and I have finally taken his advice and started eating vegetables and fruits mostly and fewer grains. This means three different meal plans: one for my daughter who is 24 and mentally challenged and one for my son who is 17 and an atypical young man, in that he has been wanting to be a vegetarian for the past few years. Considering our family history, maybe he should get a jump on things. Happily he is not overweight but my daughter and I are, so I am working on a meal plan that will cover the protein needs of a growing man, chubby young women and an aging woman.
A change in my perspective of life events and challenges is a blessing. Living this life is a lot of work but instead of feeling bad and put upon, I feel good and grateful to be able to live.
