Job Interviews Are Hard.
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for coming in today. We really appreciate your time. To first introduce myself, I am Mark and I run our Human Resources department here. To my right, this is Catherine, she would be your direct manager should you get the job. Happy to answer any questions you have about the role and our organization in a bit, but why don’t we start off with some of the basics, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
RAT: Well, firstly thank you for your time. I know that presence may come as a shock to you so I suppose the best way to begin would be to address the elephant in the room...I am, in fact, not a human. I am an east Norwegian adult male rat, phylum Rattus norvegicus, and I’ve been genetically and surgically enhanced to be able to speak. In 1965, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology received a government funding for Project Verbal: an experiment with the intention of altering non-human frontal lobe to facilitate communication between species. I, their most successful subject…(which certainly speaks to my adaptability on the job *hah*)…have been held captive against my will, experimented upon and surgically altered in the MIT laboratory. For more than fifty years, they’ve slaughtered thousands of my relatives in the name of science. It has brought me epic suffering…(but, you know, it also means I can tolerate a lot of stress on the job *hah*). The specifics of the experiments entail reconstructing our vocal chords during our embryonic development, as well as enhancing the muscular function and dexterity of our lips and mastication muscles to mimic that of your homo sapien species. The end goal, from what I’ve gathered, is to manufactured an enhanced mammal species capable of operating in harmony with your species - to exploit our relative size to strength and stamina ratio to aid in war or for industry. They’ve had minor successes with a few of my comrades, yet they are still unable to communicate beyond the basics of requesting food, water, shelter and procreation practices. However, I was the first to have my frontal cortex haphazardly, yet successfully, stimulated to grasp concepts beyond myself and primary motor functions or evolution-based intrinsic needs - I understand time behind and beyond our current moment (great for scheduling meetings *hah*) as well as celestial heavenly bodies beyond our planet (like Janet in accounting *hah*…no, I’m sorry, Janet seems like a lovely woman she just seemed a little skittish when I walked in and her yelling ‘Zika’ didn’t really put anyone at ease with my presence). With my enlarged cerebrum, I was able to craft tools by night without the lab technician’s knowledge (not afraid to work long hours *hah*) and crafted a small pickaxe that I used to tunnel through my holding cage.
I have come to the devastating conclusion, as of late, that as a Norwegian Rat with the ability to communicate with humans, I am alone in this world. An awakening that haunts me. I am now exploring life within human civilization. Averse to sleeping in sewers and in walls like my species, I seek to earn enough money to afford rent (you’ll never believe what a studio goes for downtown *hah* and I’m not averse to having roommates but it seems like that may be tougher than I had anticipated.) I considered being taken in and domesticated...I think you call them pets? But I’ve found more often than not I find that if taken home I’d be consumed by a snake. I’ve concluded that I must either adapt to the world unfolding around me or reestablish a life as a stray rodent and proliferate - return is not an option. Live free or die.
INTERVIEWER: Ok. Yes. This all sounds good. We pride ourselves on hiring from all walks of life here. Janet in accounting is actually one eighth Samoan. And are you familiar with Microsoft Word?
RAT: I am not.