White Board Parenting

Instructor: Are we all seated? Rosalinda, can we close those doors please? [Points.] Excellent. Well, everyone, I’d like to formally welcome you all to this White Board Parenting class. How many of you are newcomers? [A few hands go up.] Oh, a lot of you! Wonderful. Well, let me start off by introducing myself, I’m Mark Leve, Licensed Child Psychologist and Founder of White Board Parenting — the parenting method Oprah once endorsed for Most Innovative Parenting Method 2009. Now, you wonderful mums and dads — we’re going to teach you how to raise your gals and lads *heh look at me with the rhymes* to enhance their critical thinking and increase the odds they’ll become entrepreneurial — and also, in the process, get them to be a little more agreeable day to day. Now, I’m not only the founder of White Board Parenting…but I’m also a professional dad -[Retrieves picture of family from behind white board which features a wife and a child.] This right here is the love of my life, Deborah, and my darling son, Nicholas. Nicholas has been raised for the entirety of his seven years on the White Board Method and today, he’s captain of his travel soccer team, he’s got straight A’s, on his way to being valedictorian, and he’s the lead cellist in his school band. [Audience claps.] Now, I’m not telling you this is the kind child you want…but if it sounds like something you might be interested in…you’re in the right place. The idea is to condition your children to want things that are the best for them! Like eating their fruits and veggies, am I right? Ma’am, what’s your child’s name?

Woman: His name is Marco and he doesn’t do his chores. He doesn’t do his homeworks. He never listen to me. He just stays out with his friends all day and then he comes home and he starts fights with his brothers and sisters and tries to set our cat Princesa on fire.

Instructor: I love it! I love a challenge. Your boy sounds like he has a lot of energy but maybe it’s just directed in the wrong places. Classic kids. I get it! Let me show you the White Board Method in action…what’s one thing that you’d really like to get…was it Marco…yes, what’s one thing you’d really like to get Marco to do?

Woman: I like him to do his homeworks.

Instructor: Great one! [Grabs a marker and draws a line down the center of the board] Ok! Now let’s you and I go through this together, we’ll designate the left side of the board to [writes while talking] why we shouldn’t do homework today….and we’ll use the right side of the board to why we should do homework today. Ok, then you would work with the child Marco on filling up this board — so reasons not to do homework — oh, let’s say ‘It’s time consuming’…’It’s too difficult’…

Woman: He want to set Princesa on fire.

Instructor: Yes, great one, ‘Cat on fire.’ Now for some of the positives — ‘Doing homework will get you into college.’ Doing homework will…’Make you smarter!’ Being smarter will…’Get more people to be attracted to you!’ That’s good, Marco will like that. Being smarter will…’Make you more money!’ So you can buy nice things! More cats maybe! And you help complete this with them. Walk them through the logical thought process, help them see beyond point A and B and see there’s a point C. Then they’ll say, ‘Oh, hey, mom, you cool smart woman, those are some excellent points and look how many positives there are over the negatives!’ The visuals speak for themselves. Then you’ll say, now this is important, ’Oh, Marco, but don’t even make your judgement based on that!’ See what I’m doing? Pushing him away. Reverse psychology. He’s like ‘Oh, mom, that’s suspicious now you don’t want me to do homework?’ And you’ll be like “I just read this article the other day, it said Kanye West did his homework. You know who also did it? Tyga. Look at them now. If you don’t think you’d like to be like them, you just tell me right now and we’ll throw your homework away.’ At that point they’re almost begging for you to let them do their homework. [Audience claps] Now…who’s next? I can do this all day!

At home.

Deborah: Your dumb son destroyed your white board.

Instructor: You stupid dildo that was one of many.

Nicholas: I’m going to murder you in your sleep.

Instructor: The cello is the gayest instrument.