It was just once, does it upset me so much because I didn’t say no? I didn’t stand up and protect myself... I just acquiesced like I always do, anything to make people happy, give them what they want. I just crawled in, as asked, I lay there, I left, said nothing, just carried on as if nothing happened. I was only 8, I think, I can’t remember as it would only be years later when I realised what exactly had happened, what I’d quietly agreed to. And it would be many years again until I could admit it to myself, and years again until I told a living soul. A twenty two year old secret… Where it was finally bursting at the seams to come out, where I was bursting to be understood, to explain the moods, the anger, the lack of trust, the "don’t touch me’s". It’s the smells, the sounds, the paint on the wall that stay with me now. Will I ever forgive myself? Will I let people in like I want to, will I trust again?

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