The Battle In My Head.
For someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression for most of my life, triggers are something I deal with quite often. With some help from people and books, I feel like I have it mostly under control, but I still struggle with something that I am currently trying to wrap my head around and navigate.
My hurting self…
When I’m triggered by someone or something, two voices pop into my head. One makes me feel like a victim. How dare they do that. Not this again. You must not be worth it. These voices stir up bitterness and resentment towards others and myself. I don’t like thinking these kind of thoughts and I do not like feeling this way.
I have been taught to listen to my inner hurting child and let it be heard by writing from it. Don’t judge it — there’s a part in me that needs to be heard. I have learned first hand what happens when I don’t let it out. It will make its way out from my beliefs, inner dialogue and through my destructive behavior.
My higher self…
The other voice that comes in for me is loving, compassionate and understanding. It reminds me that not everything is about me and we are all going through our own struggles and doing the best we can. It helps me to understand situations on a higher level that takes me outside of myself and my past hurts. I love this feeling. It’s comforting and it gives me hope. This is my higher self.
Do I need to choose between the two?
I don’t think so. This is what I feel in my gut, but I see and hear people say all the time to focus on gifts and my strengths. I think they might tell me to ignore my hurting self. My higher self would tell me to embrace my hurting self.
See, I think we are spiritually strong and we can tap into that strength at any time, but I also believe that we gain strength and the ability to tap into it by facing our hurts and allowing them to give us strength. I don’t know if it’s healthy for me to think I can meditate it all away without doing the work.
Doesn’t healing take work?
Don’t I need to listen to the hurting parts of myself in order for me to fully be aware of what’s hurting me before I can heal it? Sometimes it feels like I have two brains — the psychological brain and then my spiritual brain. I don’t think I need to choose one or the other. They are both part of me. It’s not a battle that needs to happen between the two. It’s not a competition. It’s cooperation.
My higher self is my guide.
Isn’t it my higher self who helps guide me through my hurt feelings and thoughts and steers me away from the “victim” trap? Isn’t it my spiritual side who allows me to feel my feelings and think my thoughts without judgment, but with love and compassion for myself, as well as anyone else involved?
Embrace the hurt.
I think in order to really heal a past hurt or a present hurt is to let it out and let our spiritual self (our higher self) lead the way. If we allow ourselves to feel hurt, take things personally, be angry and upset, it doesn’t make us any less spiritually evolved or “together.” It’s okay to fall apart. It’s okay to get angry and take things personally. Because once we let ourselves be where we are, we can move beyond it.
This is what we do.
Sometimes when we are in pieces, it’s easier to navigate what needs attention a bit at a time. Each piece has something to say — a hurt to be healed. When one piece heals, it grabs onto to another making that piece stronger, until we are whole. Or we think we are… until we fall apart again. We will and that’s okay, because we are human and that’s what we do.
❤ Leticia Rae