Of love and other demons

One day I woke up in love. It was as if I had climbed a high mountain, one step at a time, always looking down, so mesmerized by the rocks that I didn’t even notice I was going up. And when I suddenly became tired, without understanding why, I looked up and saw the world around me from a great height, overwhelmed by how different suddenly everything was.

This was you and I — you see — one day you were someone, and the next you were the one — the one I could never be with. But to my surprise, unlike all the loves of the past this was different. It was as if I suddenly learned to love the way love should be, wanting you to be happy more than wanting you to be with me. It’s a weird feeling, putting someone else’s happiness above your own, it’s like a romatic novel that ends in tragedy and you know it from the very first page but you keep reading anyway.

Maybe it’s how my love grew, like a weed I kept trying to pull out kill at every chance. Before, I would get jealous and try to be with others to kill the early sprouts I saw emerging. But slowly, taking their time, my feelings won, learning to hide in the darkest corners of my soul, until they became strong enough to coil their roots so deep around my heart they became part of me.

One day I woke up in love, as if I truly loved for the first time, allowing myself to accept this feeling for what it was. I can desire someone you see, and yet also desire even more for them to be with someone else who can make them happier than I will. I can wish for someone’s touch more than I ever imagined you could desire anything, and yet I can bear knowing that touch will never be the touch that turns my shivers into passion. I can even learn to adore those imperfections that annoyed me at first, knowing they are the reasons we would’t work out anyway, yet loving them just the same, because they are what make you who you are.

One day I woke up in love, and yet my mind is not racing — it is a love more quiet and at peace than I have felt before. Somehow, against all odds, this new type of love I learned to feel for you is no longer the demon I experienced with so many others, but simply another part of who I became because of you.