This Week in Racism

It’s an embarrassment of riches in our weekly roundup of the world’s most preventable disease!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Death and taxes used to be the only two certainties in life. But no matter how much progress it feels like we’re making sometimes, the sad fact is you can probably slide racism into that list. Are we in a moment of uprising that feels like it has the potential to create real, systemic change? Yes. Do people and organizations still show their ass on a daily basis? Oh, most definitely. And to keep tabs on all that ass-showing, we created a weekly racism surveillance machine. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

What the rassclaat!

7. Jack Sparrow

What do you even call what Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean character had going on under that bandana? You can’t dignify them by calling them locs, but you also can’t minimize the reputational damage done — to Black hair and to pirates. All dude needs is a peasant skirt, and he’s ready to IG Live from Coachella. Hope you’ve got some clippers in that treasure chest, matey!

6. The dude from Counting Crows

Sure, he’s got a name, but do you know it? (It’s Adam Duritz.) Out here looking like the cat in the back row of your junior-year history class who never had a…


“I’m from Brooklyn, so I quote Jay-Z like pastors quote the Bible.

I truly believe that there’s a Hov line for any occasion; if you can’t think of one, then your knowledge of his catalog isn’t deep enough. But, I don’t have that problem because I love rap. I’m a fan of the old and the new. I lament that André 3000 hasn’t blessed us with an album in years, yet I still appreciate the contributions of Lil Baby, Megan Thee Stallion, and Fivio Foreign. I miss the old Kanye but still bump “Closed on Sunday” because the chorus in…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

This you?

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

7. You regularly go to bed (and wake up) early

Let’s be real, you need all the sleep you can get. Sure, you used to pull all-nighters for no reason at all, but these days, you can barely stay up past the first half of Laker games. (Make sure you get your naps in!)

6. Pro athletes look much, much younger than you do

Speaking of professional sports, all of the athletes in your age group are in the twilight of their careers — that is, if they’re even competing at all. Commentators talk about these players like they’re damn dinosaurs, relics from another time. Don’t take it to heart, fam.

5. Acid reflux is the norm

Your body is gonna pay for that order of…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Step away from the freezer, people!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

7. Butter pecan

An integral part of an iconic hip-hop hook? Yes, indeed. A top-tier ice cream flavor? Not even close. If the only way you can describe the taste of something is “tan,” best to keep it pushing.

6. Cookie dough

Yeah, we said it. We meant it, too. Enjoy your uncooked dough, savages! (Look, if you’re not willing to let the yopper spray, don’t be out here making lists.)

5. Strawberry cheesecake

The main philosophical question you have to ask yourself about ice cream is: Does being in the form of a frozen dairy dessert make these flavors as good as or better than they would be…


This Week in Racism

It’s an embarrassment of riches in our weekly roundup of the world’s most preventable disease!

Death and taxes used to be the only two certainties in life. But no matter how much progress it feels like we’re making sometimes, the sad fact is you can probably slide racism into that list. Are we in a moment of uprising that feels like it has the potential to create real, systemic change? Yes. Do people and organizations still show their ass on a daily basis? Oh, most definitely. And to keep tabs on all that ass-showing, we created a weekly racism surveillance machine. …


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

They’re real, and they’re (very far from) spectacular

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

7. Coinye

Yes, it tried to harness the star power of Kanye West with a logo featuring shutter shades-era Ye. Yes, Kanye’s legal team got it shut down almost as soon as it was announced in 2014. No, it’s not even close to the only cryptocurrency seemingly launched just for the pun potential.

6. WhopperCoin

In 2017, Burger King Russia (where else?) issued one billion of these on the Waves crypto platform, promising to give customers one for every ruble they spent at the fast-food chain. When you got enough WhopperCoins — 1,700, or about $23 in U.S. dollars — you could trade them…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

Don’t make things awkward, son

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

5. “Ain’t Your Mama,” Jennifer Lopez

Just what your Mother’s Day soundtrack needs: an audio skewering of man-babies who refuse to grow the hell up, instead, playing Xbox all damn day and expecting a significant other to handle simple adult responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. We’re not gonna tell you what to do — we ain’t your mama, either — but we doubt this is the vibe you’re going for.

4. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” The Jackson 5

You see, this is exactly why you can’t rely on a keyword search to power your streaming choices. You’ll end up looking as bright as Prancer’s nose, playing a Christmas carol dead in the middle of…


Just Rankin’ Sh!t

If we let you come, you gotta promise not to bring any of these. Deal?

5. His famous “post-racism ratatouille”

“Is there a lingering effect after a couple of centuries of racism and discrimination in this nation?” you asked rhetorically on Face the Nation this weekend. “The answer is absolutely.” Great that you’re acknowledging racism and all, Senator, but that “after” is doing a looooot of work here.

4. A vat filled with mayonnaise

“Everyone loves a little extra,” you kept saying, plunking a metal spoon into it like you weren’t violating a cardinal rule of food safety as thoroughly as your continued allegiance to the GOP violates reason.

3. Trump steaks

We get it: You voted with Big Don about 91% of the time — significantly more than…


This Week in Racism

It’s an embarrassment of riches in our weekly roundup of the world’s most preventable disease!

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

Death and taxes used to be the only two certainties in life. But no matter how much progress it feels like we’re making sometimes, the sad fact is you can probably slide racism into that list. Are we in a moment of uprising that feels like it has the potential to create real, systemic change? Yes. Do people and organizations still show their ass on a daily basis? Oh, most definitely. And to keep tabs on all that ass-showing, we created a weekly racism surveillance machine. …

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