JUST RANKIN’ SHIT
These upward-failing crime bosses should’ve been canned a long time ago
5. James St. Patrick (‘Power’)
Dude. You literally had one job: Don’t have a romantic affair with the person investigating you. It’s simple. Ghost went above and beyond the ideals of trash kingpinning by destroying his family and his criminal empire over a COP he’d had a crush on back in high school.
4. Tommy Buns (‘Belly’)
We’re glad this man found a higher calling, because he may have been the most unhinged drug dealer of all time. Getting so drunk and high that you rile up your little homies to gun each other down in a fancy Olive Garden? Getting so hooked into the game that you’re now…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
We did it, Joe!
5. The Quinto
No, this one isn’t named after actor Zachary Quinto, but rather the five shots of digestion-hastening espresso lurking in a bath of steamed milk. Soon to be affectionately known by ’bucks enthusiasts (and the lactose intolerant) as “The Colon Blow.”
4. All White Everything
You could try ordering this as a “White Party,” but you’d run the risk of getting a gender-reveal gathering in a takeaway cup. What you’re really after here is the 12 pumps of vanilla syrup and three solid glugs of heavy cream in the weakest coffee they’re able to make. …
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
All hail the only office we miss
9. Sesame Street
Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Elmo, even that crazy motherfucker Cookie Monster pulled up to NPR in celebration of the franchise’s 50th anniversary two years ago. But their discrimination continues — Oscar the Grouch only briefly appears after the closing credits. More like Trashy Desk, amirite?
8. DJ Premier and The Badder Band
One of hip-hop’s most legendary producers scratching on a turntable while a live band plays instrumentals like Gang Starr’s “Moment of Truth” and Nas’ “Nas Is Like”? Inject this directly into our veins, please.
7. Masego
Aside from singing and playing the hell out of a saxophone, Masego had social media funnyman Renny stand in for…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?
5. ‘Central Intelligence’
If there’s one role Dwayne Johnson was born to play, it’s a CIA agent who can kill 12 people with a mechanical pencil. Central Intelligence gave The Rock (as Bob Stone) an extra layer of character development by making him wildly insecure, looking up to Kevin Hart of all people. This is like True Lies and Twins all rolled up into one movie.
4. ‘The Rundown’
While The Scorpion King showed that Johnson could be a box-office action hero, The Rundown proved that he could play comedy and charisma as well as any movie star around. Don’t sleep on this one, jabroni.
3. ‘The Fast & the Furious’ franchise
From…
This Week in Racism
It’s an embarrassment of riches in our weekly roundup of the world’s most preventable disease!
Death and taxes used to be the only two certainties in life. But no matter how much progress it feels like we’re making sometimes, the sad fact is you can probably slide racism into that list. Are we in a moment of uprising that feels like it has the potential to create real, systemic change? Yes. Do people and organizations still show their ass on a daily basis? Oh, most definitely. And to keep tabs on all that ass-showing, we created a weekly racism surveillance machine. …
Just Rankin’ Shit
What the hell is happening in Westview, anyway?
5. Who the hell is the big surprise cameo?
Pretty much everyone involved with this show has been teasing a major guest appearance similar to when [redacted] showed up at the end of The Mandalorian. And while [redacted this time, but stop reading if you don’t want to know] showing up was big, it wasn’t big big. So who could it be? Magneto? Stephen Strange? Reed Richards? Nick Fury? The Bernie Sanders Meme? We thought we were going to get one this week but that didn’t happen, now we have no clue who’s coming. Dammit, Marvel. You win again.
4. Is Vision alive or dead?
A few weeks ago we saw zombie Vision, but then…
Scott Woods reminds us all that Fred Hampton’s story is American history, and should be included in the school curriculum.
Read Woods’ entire story below.
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
His new sitcom is fine, but ‘Saturday Night Live’ without him would be doomed. Doomed!
5. Reese De’What
In a 2019 Washington Post profile of Thompson, SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels called the actor “a master in [the] studio,” adding that “he knows the best way to do just about everything.” Thompson’s glue-guy gifts are on full display as De’What, a terrible husband who sets up clips of even more terrible television shows. His line readings are somehow surprising — no one else would deliver them the same way, and no one else could make a line as basic as “This is not why I’m here!” even remotely as funny. All hail the master.
4. Darnell Hayes
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
The city is home to more than just beans and bigotry!
6. Jasmine Guy
When you think about it, it makes a ton of sense that the iconic actress who brought A Different World’s Whitley Gilbert to life was channeled from big Boston energy.
5. Patrice O’Neal
The famed Boston standup comedy scene is somehow even paler than Bill Burr’s shaven scalp, but there wasn’t a smahhhhtass among them who didn’t bow down to O’Neal.
4. Guru
Is he the greatest rapper to ever come out of Boston? As one half of Gang Starr, he’s responsible for some straight-up classics that put him head and shoulders above most. (Yes, that includes the guy who made “Bootee.”)
3. Donna Summer
This music icon…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
We are once again asking for some damn relief!
5. Extra Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in the mail
It may not get Sallie Mae off your back, but at least you can have her over for dinner, thanks to a sweet 20% off one of those air fryers you’ve been eyeing! Cut costs and calories.
4. Free access to Donald Trump’s forthcoming MasterClass on debt management
That deficit’s not going anywhere — might as well learn how to avoid it from the best of the best.
3. 50,000 dogecoins for every American
So crippling; much financial ruin. As of press time, one unit of this meme crypto would run you about $0.05, which means you better put those diamond hands together, pray Elon is right, and ride this coin to the moon. One dollar, here…
