Just Rankin’ Sh!t
GET OVER HERE!
7. Johnny Cage’s decapitation
Always the cocky asshole, Cage winds up and lands an uppercut so devastating it knocks his opponent’s domepiece clean off — then reaches behind him and whips out a pair of stunna shades, David Caruso-style. “Guess the perp… lost their head,” you can almost hear him say.
6. Scorpion’s “Toasty!”
When you’ve got your enemy teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, are you gonna help them out of the ring — or are you gonna rip your mask off to expose a grinning skull, then spit fire at their feet until they go up in a gout of flame? The first one, we…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
Get ready to throw hands!
3. Scissors
Sorry Edward Scissorhands, these don’t make the cut. Trying to penetrate rock is futile, and would likely result in shears popping the hell off their pivot. And while even the dullest blades can slice through sheets of paper, that only creates… more sheets of paper. In a competitive sport that’s all-out hand-sign-throwing war, you really feel confident flashing a sideways peace symbol?
2. Paper
Okay, let’s start with the good: It’s pliable. Paper can be folded into infinite configurations — shout out to the origami gang among us — and crumpled to a formidable density, adding to its guile and cunning properties…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
Rest in power, weird-ass kings and queens!
6. ‘Rapper Ninja Warrior’
Yes, the premise was exactly what it sounds like: Blindfolded MCs navigated an obstacle course populated with swole-ass gladiators, rapping all the while. And the only reason this is the least-weird entry on the list is because Eric Andre actually managed to prove its potential on his self-titled Adult Swim show. Honestly, if Quibi had lived long enough to add the show to its platform, we might have become paying subscribers.
5. ‘Home Movie: The Princess Bride’
Only in 2020, a year in which everyone was at home and a billion-dollar company was absolutely desperate for content, could “a bunch of actors re-enact The Princess Bride…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
Charge it to the game!
6–5. AA battery and AAA battery (tie)
Rechargeable appliances have largely replaced those that require batteries, but these old reliables have avoided obsolescence. Personal groomers, your wireless mouse, handheld kitchen gadgets, your kid’s toys, a wall clock, the damn TV remote — you’d best keep a few of these batteries around, lest you be AAssed-out when you need ’em.
4. 9-volt battery
Ever touch your tongue to the polarized nubs of one of these batteries for the sole purpose of adding some semblance of sensation to your otherwise numb existence? Just us? Oh. You could use them in smoke detectors, too, we guess.
3. D battery
Okay, Radio Raheem. Unless your nostalgic ass…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
‘It’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… you ain’t got shit to do’
4. Friday: The Animated Series (2007)
We knew this short-lived MTV2 toon would be weird when we realized John DiMaggio — the voice of Futurama’s Bender — would attempt to channel the greatness of John Witherspoon’s Pops. What we didn’t anticipate was Smokey’s character looking like dude from ToeJam & Earl. Friday has never felt so fugazi.
3. Next Friday (2000)
Ranking this sequel so low should be as illegal as the cash stuffed in Joker’s hydraulic pump. Sure, Chris Tucker’s absence is felt in this follow-up set in the suburbs, but Mike Epps seamlessly fills the void as Day Day. Damn near every moment he’s on screen is hysterical…
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
It’s April, fools!
7. Tyler, the Creator
The best elements of Punk’d tend to be natural reactions to manufactured shenanigans; Tyler’s didn’t disappoint. After a taco truck explodes at a children’s charity event, the former Odd Future frontman smiles ear to ear while running toward a man engulfed in flames — not to offer help, but to capture footage on his phone. Fake reality sets in when he’s blamed for the blast. “Yo, is he okay?” asks Tyler, the destroyer. “I can’t go to jail if I fucked up, right?”
6. Brandy
Leave it to Ashton Kutcher to turn racial profiling into a riotous prank. When stopped by two…
Welcome to Minority Report, a weekly newsletter from the LEVEL team that packs an entire week into a single email. From the bigoted demonization of Lil Nas X to the week in racism, from pop-culture picks to a must-read LEVEL story, it’s everything you need and nothing you don’t. If you’re loving what you’re reading, tell a friend to tell a friend.
On Friday, pop star and internet gawd Lil Nas X dropped the music video for “Montero (Call Me By Your Name),” the most devilish, dangerously queer vision of the Garden of Eden of all time. Try as you…
This Week in Racism
It’s an embarrassment of riches in our weekly roundup of the world’s most preventable disease!
Death and taxes used to be the only two certainties in life. But no matter how much progress it feels like we’re making sometimes, the sad fact is you can probably slide racism into that list. Are we in a moment of uprising that feels like it has the potential to create real, systemic change? Yes. Do people and organizations still show their ass on a daily basis? Oh, most definitely. And to keep tabs on all that ass-showing, we created a weekly racism surveillance machine. …
President Barack Obama shares his statement on the post-pandemic mass shootings overtaking the nation.
Read his statement in its entirety below.
Just Rankin’ Sh!t
Happy 30th birthday to the best thinly veiled music biopic of all time. All tiiiiime!
6. Terrence “Dresser” Williams
Dresser had a decent voice, but getting washed in a dance contest by an old man — in front of your homies, no less — isn’t the most promising indicator of solo stardom.
5. Anthony “Choirboy” Stone
It’s hard to find a name less sexy than Choirboy. Yet somehow, even when the whole band was bombing, he was the only member who ever got shit thrown at him while onstage. Doesn’t exactly scream “we want more.”
4. J.T. Matthews
J.T. had crazy pipes, heartthrob appeal, and was a total womanizer. Sounds like a solo breakout to us.
3. Flash
Eddie Kane Jr. put it plainly in one of the…
