Stop! You’re Killing Yourselves Laughing.

If aliens are observing us, they must be very confused. Between developing nuclear weapons and making Rylan a millionaire, there isn’t really a facet of humanity that doesn’t baffle. On a large scale, everyone claims that they want the world to be a better place, but as soon as you put someone in a position to do that, they instead make the world a better place for themselves. As a race, we are chronically greedy, and that is what the aliens will report back to their overlords.

“Everyone feels entitled to more. Refugees get out of their country, but they aren’t satisfied until they get free health service. Johnson snufflers become millionaires just for having a well-known arse, but they aren’t satisfied until they #BreakTheInternet. And everyone wastes most of their lives trying to extend them.”

This last point has never been more evident than in a recent Swiss academic study, which suggests that extremely joyous events can give you ‘Takotsubo Syndrome’. This is a small and, importantly, incredibly rare condition whereby a small fluctuation in the heart can cause the left ventricle to alter its shape. It is almost always temporary, and so I am left with only one question. Why was it seen as necessary to perform this study?

In all honesty, what am I supposed to do with this information? Should I live in fear of winning the lottery or receiving my belated letter from Hogwarts? Does making people laugh mean I’m spreading this century’s HIV? Perhaps when these scientists reach the age of eighty, basking in a perfect world of equilibrium and the status quo, they will laugh at how they would be long dead if they had been happy. But not too hard. It’d be a shame to screw things up now.

Despite the fact that this study could be seen as akin to the Grinch or Jamie Oliver, my initial reaction was not one of frustration or oppression. It was resignation. After a lifetime of trying to avoid risk assessments on things like sharpening pencils, it seems that now, in addition to health and safety, we are having to deal with healthsafety.

I realise it sounds a little 1984, but we really are being told things about our health that don’t matter. And in any case, what exactly could healthsafety entail? These things spring to mind:

Optimum Level Of Happiness

In an attempt to prevent people putting themselves at unnecessary risk, the government has released yet another new guideline. The Optimum Level Of Happiness outlines the highest level of happiness one should reach before it becomes far too risky. The healthsafety police, much like regular health and safety officers, lean towards caution like a rugby union player to a girl in a nightclub; far too close and not at all subtle.

The official limit is 50 units; I presume they will be called units, as government schemes are rarely creative. Also, all toys and games must be clearly marked with ‘Joy Value’ and a forewarning picture of an ill person having too much fun.

As this is a government initiative, they will of course waste vulgar amounts of money on an unnecessary awareness campaign. To do this, the phrase Optimum Level Of Happiness will be abbreviated to OLOH, pronounced like YOLO but without the ‘Y’. To get down with the kids and schizzle like that.

Celebration Limits

According to the Swiss report, onsets of this veracious temporary discomfort can be brought on by events such as your football team winning a big game, or, ironically, receiving the all clear for another, more life threatening illness. To combat this, in the event of a big win or positive medical news, the club or doctor will sound an annoying alpha wave as soon as the positive outcome is about to creep above the recommended threshold.

Before long, Apple will buy the rights to the alpha wave and you will be able to monitor your own health and moderated happiness for 99p in the App Store.

Celebration Limits — The Series

When the app doesn’t really take off, Apple sells the rights to Channel 4, who decide to replace Hollyoaks with something more, let’s be honest, cutting edge. Set in the fictional estate of the title, the series follows a lot of people taking a lot of precautions and not doing very much, in hope that it can follow in the footsteps of Gogglebox. At the end of each episode, the street safely navigates another day of life and we are happy about this.

The pilot episode begins, like any other soap, with one of the Celebration Limits residents inexplicably having murder on his mind. But no, a twist! He dutifully informs a neighbour of his nefarious intent and is taken in by the police in a compliant and orderly fashion.

The critics pan the show for being “guaranteed not to cause any joy-related illnesses”. The government praises the show for the same thing. The healthsafety experts will be keeping a close eye to step in with restraints if anything changes.

Alpha Waves Anonymous

Although the app didn’t take off at first, season ticket holders for successful sports teams heard a lot of alpha waves over the course of a campaign, and began to associate the drone with joy and success. Many became addicted and downloaded the app when the football season finished. Unlike crystal meth or Pringles, the alpha wave was not an expensive habit to keep up.

A generation of sports fans are losing their hearing from being addicted to these sounds unrestricted. Drugs are a thing of the past in this increasingly-post-apocalyptic-sounding world, and anonymous meetings as we know them are replaced with ‘Alpha Wave Free’ gatherings and rehab resorts.

In the end, what the scientists fail to factor in is that ‘Takotsubo Syndrome’ is a minor flaw that the human body can adapt to. In other words, I’m sure I’ll live. While it’s probably best that we don’t all get addicted to alpha waves, I for one want to get as much joy out of life as I can.