12 Reasons Why Copywriters are Boring Nerds Who Will Only Disappoint You
1. They don’t know anything copyright law
The most disappointing thing about the lot of them.
Most copywriters aren’t lawyers. They can’t help you to win a trademark battle against your former business partner.
But they can help you write a funny tweet about it.
Most of them have never actually met a lawyer, despite the fact they drink in the same trendy bars.
2. They both love and hate the job title
Being called a copywriter is like having a knighthood.
Go up to one and say: “You’re a copywriter.” They love it. They love the feeling of it. It gives them a sense of regal pride, bestowed upon them from the ethereal powers that be.
That feeling goes when they explain the job to their Nan.
It’s a job title that makes sense, but only to people who work “in the industry”.
3. They hate it when people say the phrase “in the industry”
They think it is really self-indulgent. Like really self-indulgent.
They want to tell you that “no one cares about your industry. People want to know about how you’re making the world a better place!”
They will never say this to a client’s face, of course.
Instead, they say: “Your industry is really versatile. Tell me more.”
4. They’re not very punny
It is a commonly held belief that copywriters love coming up with puns.
But they actually find it annoying, stressful and a waste of their brain-energy/superior talents/creative juices.
They’re not very punny. They want to tell you that it won’t help, that writing a pun will make your brand look lame.
But a client is paying what a client is paying. So, they write “brick up your ears” for a new product announcement for a building materials manufacturer.
Best advice — if you want something “punny” hire Tim Vine.
5. They suck at pub quizzes
They know a lot of things about a lot of random stuff and a lot of people don’t care.
Did you know that there are 3 main types of brick? Facing bricks, engineering bricks and common bricks.
When will that come up in a pub quiz? Never.
Don’t invite them to join your team.
6. They suck at Countdown
They spend a lot of their day spelling words correctly because they are boring. They never switch letters around for a laugh.
So, they suck at anagrams.
Don’t invite them to play Countdown with you.
7. They suck at Scrabble
Copywriters spend all day thinking about words, looking at words and writing words. But despite this, they suck at Scrabble. Watching them tentatively place tiles on the board is excruciating. It’s like watching a dog holding a fishing rod.
Their problem is that they are nerds. They care too much about the “meaning” of words and creating “strategic messages”.
Real Scrabble players learn loads of words and don’t give a f**k about dictionary definitions. Pro Scrabble players are awesome and slam dunk those tiles down.
Copywriters suck at the game.
You should definitely play Scrabble with them.
8. They don’t just “like” adverts, they “talk” about them
Who actually openly says they liked an advert? Sure, people laugh at the odd one or moan about the Go Compare man. But actually having a conversation about an advert like it’s a piece of valuable culture!? Like it’s a film or something.
If someone at your party says “I really like the brand positioning of that ad,” send them home.
9. They take forever to write one tweet
Who spends 27 minutes writing a tweet!? I mean, seriously, who has time to do that in this economy!?
You can’t actually write words in a way to persuade people to read. No one reads these days. They get AI to do it for them.
10. They claim that “procrastinating” is part of the job
They need inspiration. Or ideas. A new perspective.
Whatever it is, they usually look out of the window and call it“working”.
The bloody airy-fairy head-in-the-cloud arseheads. Who do they think they are?
11. They think they are William Wordsworth
One pun and they think they’re a poet. This afternoon they wrote “More Chilly, Less Chilli” for a chilli restaurant chain that’s opening branches in Siberia.
Now they’re reciting “I wandered lonely as a cloud” to the office plants and asking everyone to come to their spoken word night that’s in an abandoned hairdresser’s out of town.
12. They never cry, apart from when they hear THESE two words
Beloved grandma’s funeral.
Oldest friend’s emotional wedding speech?
The end of Toy Story 3?
Not even a sniffle.
One email with the words: “No amends.”
Sobbing that goes on for days and days.
As you can see, copywriters are a strange breed of nerd and nothing like what we expect them to be i.e. disappointing.
If you are ever unfortunate enough to encounter one — don’t make sudden movements, avoid direct eye contact and never give them coffee after midnight.
Thanks for reading.