Have You Fallen Victim to The False Lens of Bumble?
In this post, I’m speaking directly to the heterosexual men on a misconception they might have.
Bumble is a curious little app. At first glance, Bumble looks like Tinder with a similar swipe design and chat box, but it has one rule that changes things a little.
On Bumble, if a boy and a girl match, the girl must send a message first to start the conversation. The girl is required to take initiative. It can feel refreshing for guys.
The main reason that girls are asked to initiate on Bumble is because a common pattern on dating apps is that trashy or desperate guys will match with a girl and immediately start asking for sex, sending unsolicited dick pics, or start making compliments on the girl’s body that are certainly not a good opener.
So Bumble chooses to give girls a built-in filter as a defense. Girls can match and not worry about their phones blowing up with pictures of genitalia. They solely can choose to start a chat if they think a guy will be a bit more polite or if they’re willing to risk hearing another sex proposition.
It’s nice that Bumble thought of this, and it gives women a more empowering feeling as they navigate the app.
But that’s kind of the extent of what the filter is used for.
There’s a misconception on Bumble that goes: “Because a girl has to initiate the conversation, the girl will take more charge in the relationship. She’ll try to woo a boy and therefore, the boy doesn’t have to worry about doing all the work.”
This is a false perspective.
Women still want men on Bumble. They want a guy to take an interest in them, ask them questions, make them laugh, and make them smile. A guy still has to do all the expected wooing on Bumble like any other app. If you’re not convinced, I’d like to ask you:
When using Bumble, how many women have asked you out on a date?
Maybe one. At best two women. And those women are most likely outliers.
At the end of the day, the guy still has to pop the question for a date, a hook up, or a meet up.
It’s not that girls can’t do this. Women are free to do so. But most women (at least in America) weren’t raised to ask for a date. They were raised to expect someone to ask them. So they wait. And if they want to ask a guy out, they still may not because they’re nervous. They’re not sure what to say, and they don’t have as much practice at asking someone out as the average guy.
Don’t believe me?
9 times out of 10 when a girl initiates a conversation with you, the message she sends will be something like:
“Hey. How’s your day?”
“Hey. What’s up?”
This honestly makes me laugh because girls I know complain to me about guys starting conversations this way. They wish the guy took an interest or asked them a question or at least had something better to say than just, “Hi.”
But girls do the same thing. Which is fine. I just laugh. Maybe they should too. Humility all around.
Here’s the real catch with Bumble:
It can be harder to woo a girl on Bumble, if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Since the girl initiates, it can feel like she’s taking the lead in the conversation. But the guy still has to lead. And now he doesn’t even get to send the first message. He’ll feel obligated to respond to her first message.
I’ve already explained it in my conversation with about how to approach the chat, but let’s apply it to Bumble specifically.
When she says, “Hi. How’s your day?”
Simply reply, “Hi Tracey. My day is going great. Hey, where was that photo of you in the mountains taken? It’s beautiful!”
Again, say her name. Ask a question from her profile. And reply to her question.
Bumble is a great dating app. Just don’t let it trip you up.