El Mulato
I’m mulato
Morenito
Mixture of features from
White mother & black father
Skin brown as cacao
Many strangers said
I had it made
With my soft curly hair
Black women especially
would coo to me
Didn’t pick a side
Parents didn’t force me
Ethnically ambiguous looks provoke
“Wait, what are you?”
“Are you related?”
Regardless of time & place
People play guessing game
“Where are you from?”
Can’t possibly be a native
They think
Name & voice say one thing
Appearance another
Didn’t identify strongly with
Being black
Never considered
Black enough
Classmates called me Oreo
Being mixed seemed bad
White people highlighted
I’m not one of them either
Auto-segregation in halls & cafeterias & classrooms & playgrounds
Missing definitions
Crunched you into other people’s
Fantasies and nightmares
What creeps under my piel morena?
Generational skeletons in collective closet
People past & present
Places I’ve seen, unseen, and never will see
Books I’ve read, skimmed, collecting mental dust
Foods I accept & reject
Perspectives & attitudes
Sometimes complimentary
Sometimes censuring
Bring a sense of home
And trigger me simultaneously
Need a safe place
To heal
Is this it?
Why do people have selective memory loss?
Most disturbing truths are those you knew
From get-go,
But then forgot
Insults from non-white people
Hit same nerves
With extra seasoning
My color abused by an armada
Expectation: racist white people
All PoC are in same boat
In eyes of whites
To be racist & classist against oneself
Wearing, consuming cultural appropriation
There are people
With skin like me
Lighter & darker
With “real black hair,”
Who claim
Their aha race moment happened
In college out-of-state
While they studied abroad in Europe
Not in Pre-K hearing a kid say
“That can’t be your mom,
You don’t look alike!”
Called mestizo growing up
Closer to white
#TeamLightSkin
Not
Indio/India
Mulato/Mulata
Negro/Negra
Colorism is real
Don’t search for truth
When it’s so obvious
Been labeled
Sensitive, quiet, shy
Less aggressive, less athletic
Than guys
Lighter & darker
Charged with being stuck in my head, phone, laptop
Hear this on repeat
Gotta be true
Right?
Few fragments splintered off me
People assume
We’re bougie because
We live in a house
Never used laundromat
Always had school supplies
Wear brand names
Drop unnecessary knowledge & SAT words
What they don’t know
Never had a real family vacation
Barely go to restaurants
Always use public transportation
Never had nanny or tutor
Don’t buy nothin unless it’s on sale
Got phones way after everyone else
Parents didn’t fulfill caprichos
No se pudo, so no se hizo
Real richies know
Can’t talk about
Many lavish adventures abroad
Favorite nightclubs here
Broadway musicals, plays
Elite, private institutions
High-end drugs
Condescendingly ask
“What’s your connection to so-in-so?”
“How did you hear about this?”
AKA
What the hell are you doing here?
You obviously don’t belong
Some richer & darker than us
Experienced less racism
Class coerced Tolerance
Piranhas & betta fish
Feigning friendship with
Guppies & goldfish
Invited kid
Supposed friend
Home
Evident discomfort
In living
Played video games
Old Xbox: springboard
Why didn’t I
have the new one?
have an extra controller?
set this up in my room?
have a TV up there?
have more games?
have the latest ones?
How did I know so much with nothing to show for it?
First & last time
I invited him
Or anyone
over
Never made big deal about race/ethnicity
Was I denying brown on & in me?
By not calling people out
Am I perpetuating cycle?
Am I to blame?
Are we afraid of everyone?
When you throw
hatred, anger & vengeance of oppressor’s victims
In his face
He accuses you of “reverse racism.”
Real rich from inventors of racism
By deeming people ghetto & basic
Am I oppressing?
Ppl exteriorize self-hatred
Hair
Lunchbox
Targets
Ironic when people say
“I don’t see color!”
“Aren’t we all just humans in the end?”
Racism exists everywhere & in everyone
Believing otherwise is
A fictitious good
A platitude
Responsibility to roots
White & black
Spanish-speaking & English?
Don’t speak much Spanish
Cuz I choose not to
I’m a man with ancestry in both worlds
Somedays split is gap
Between train & platform edge
Other days it’s oceans deep
Nothing gets done
Without personal pain
Internalized oppression?
Abuela told mother
We should mejorar la raza
Don’t believe that
In my house
Parents always say
They’re no one to dictate
Who we should, shouldn’t be with
But some do
Recognize privilege
When you’re on short & long end of stick
It’s easier for me to
Run towards wants
Make room for new ambitions
Ask for needs
Receive satisfaction
Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual
Aspire toward
Consequential
Restorative
Reparative
Justice
Don’t compare tragedies
No one’s experience is more, less valid
Nobody can tell you what to feel
Contradiction is
Material for making of self
Practice solidarity
Until it becomes second nature
