Open Letter to “Woke” Cisgender Men

Dear “woke” cis man,

I want to clarify before I begin why I have written you this letter. You might say I’m writing because I’m bitter. I am. You might say it’s because I’m man-hating. I am. If these are problems, well, I’d say lean into them but you will or you won’t. I write to help you understand the reasons that I — a non-binary trans masculine person — have for being bitter and man-hating. I write to tell you it’s your fault that I am bitter and man-hating. I write to ask you to do better.

I also acknowledge that I am a white, able-bodied, middle class person. I have benefited greatly from the same systems you have, and I still have a great deal of work to do in dismantling those systems within and without. But back to you, “woke” cis man.

Defensiveness arises in you when you are confronted by the fact that you are a member of a group you didn’t choose, and I understand. Your defensiveness comes from a sense of individualism, instilled in you under white supremacy, colonialism and capitalism. The truth is that you are both a unique individual (meaning you are responsible for your behavior) and part of a group (meaning your behavior has been undeniably shaped by belonging to that group, whether you like it or not).

I would like to lay out for you a brief summary of my own experiences with cis men to show why this isn’t a case of just “a few bad apples.” Keep in mind these are some experiences of one person moving in the world — I know many womxn and gender expansive folks with different and more painful experiences.

Here are some of the cis men I know:

A father who left when I was in my mother’s belly, appeared when I was 19, and then disappeared again.

Stepfathers who were all abusive — physically, emotionally, or both.

An uncle who repeatedly slapped my ass as a child. Other men in my family who get wasted and hit each other.

Men who felt so deeply offended that I didn’t want to sleep with them, they called me a bitch or a slut. Men who kissed me without consent. Men who groped me without consent (one went so far as to reach under my skirt and grab my crotch).

A boss double my age who decided that I was old enough at fifteen to give him oral sex. Men who put my hand to their groins without consent. Men who roofied me (this has happened on three separate occasions).

A man who repeatedly asked me if I was a boy or a girl, while removing his backpack and preparing to fight me (he didn’t because there were five people with me). A stranger who punched me in the face for not listening when he told me to “stop walking, bitch.”

Men who care about me and cannot get my pronouns right.

Men who ghosted.

Men with no ability to experience intimacy — as friends or lovers.

You may want to separate yourself from the men I’ve just mentioned. I have wanted to separate myself from the long history of abuse, exploitation, and genocide at the hands of white people. Needless to say, that’s impossible. We are responsible for repairing the damage our ancestors and current institutions have caused, or we are complicit.

Here’s what you, “woke” cis man, get from my generalizations: hurt feelings. Here’s what I (more so Black and Brown womxn or gender expansive people of color) lose: jobs, money, respect, safety, and possibly our lives. That, my friend, is power. Maybe you knew that.

Maybe you know that we invented the construct of gender and use it to police one another. We send children home from school for wearing outfits that are “too distracting” — losing valuable education and proving to us that we are sex objects rather than humans, and yours for the taking. Trans women — overwhelmingly Black and Brown — are killed mostly by your hands.

We are not believed when we tell our stories of assault, even when the entire world is watching, because you hold on to your power so tightly. According to RAINN, “every 73 seconds an American is sexually assaulted.” But rather than address how we are all implicated — even you, “woke,” cis man — in a culture that allows for this, we imprison .5% of perpetrators and believe the lie that we need police to keep us safe.

I want to be clear why I am speaking to you, rather than cis men all across the political spectrum even though some of the men I mentioned earlier likely would not be characterized as “woke”. It is because I have been deeply hurt by you — the man with the ability to write an essay on cisheteropatriarchy — more than those who call me a fag and threaten my life.

The reason is simple. I’ve opened myself to you. I start to trust you. I even love you. But time and again you prove yourself to be beyond repair. You have all the right words. You can do all the mental acrobatics to pull apart the complexities of oppression. You may even respect me. But where you consistently fall short? Interpersonal relationships.

See the thing about dismantling the cisheteropatriarchy is that it requires work at the macro level and the micro level. What I mean is that your Instagram posts, your articles, your declarations of solidarity with womxn or gender expansive people, the books you read and write are great. And they aren’t enough if you aren’t doing the work in your relationships.

Some advice:

• If my trans-ness makes you uncomfortable, you may want to examine why. It sounds like by existing, I have threatened your own sense of manhood.
• If you ghost rather than communicate, you are upholding a pillar of toxic masculinity: avoidance.
• If you are angry with me, tell me. Healthy conflict tends to deepen relationships.
• If you do me a favor and expect something in return, don’t. You may be so deeply conditioned by capitalism that your relationships are transactional, but I don’t operate that way, baby. My favors have no strings attached. I do favors for people because I want to.
• If you misgender me, self-correct and move on. For the love of God, don’t make it about you.
• If you get the same criticism from womxn/GNC folks again and again, and do not change, you have received our unpaid labor for naught.
• If you are so rigid in your time so that work takes precedence over all else, you are enacting capitalism (which is inherently racist and sexist) at a micro level.
• If you are so uncomfortable being the only cis man in the room, think about how it is to be the only person in the room who isn’t a cis man.
• If your fear of taking up space takes up space, stop.
• If caring for people and relationships is not a priority, I’d ask you why. Could it be that it isn’t worth your time? Could it be that caring for others is the work of womxn and not yours?
• If your journey of unlearning means cutting yourself off from others, rather than taking them along on your journey of unlearning, you may be prioritizing your comfort over the well-being of all of us. There is a word for this — an industry even. It’s called self-help.
• If you are in deep relationship only with yourself, you may be enlightened or you may be alone (read: afraid of commitment and afraid to admit it).
• If you use the language of “boundaries” to defend your bad behavior, you may just be gaslighting someone.
• If you want to change the world around you, so that it is a safer and more equitable one for those of us who are not cis men, start in your relationships.

To you, “woke” cis man, I say: All of your mental exercises in feminism are not worth much if you do not put it into action in your relationships. I say: the personal is just as valuable as the public. I say: if you believe your liberation is bound up with mine, then show me.

I am bitter, yes. And I love you. My sadness is much deeper than my bitterness. I have so wanted to be proven wrong by you. I have given you care and affection and time, on your terms (for which I blame myself). I have given you the benefit of the doubt, and you have made me doubt myself. I’d say do better, cis man, but you will or you won’t.

Sincerely,

Lex