A month ago, I signed up to receive campaign emails from Ted Cruz. At the time, I had no idea that Ted Cruz’s daily avalanche of emails would be a scary window into a bizarre and captivating world of madness.
Let me back up. As you can tell by the fact that my avatar is not a bald eagle pooping a don’t-tread-on-me snake, I am not Cruz’s target audience. I signed up to receive all the remaining candidates’ emails, as part a cartooning project where I draw very silly illustrations based on their goofy subject lines.
Hillary and Bernie’s email subject lines sure are silly, but in a predictable clickbait-y kind of way (A recent one from Hillary: George. Clooney.)
Kasich and Trump have sent only a few boring emails, which is disappointing because I previously imagined Trump’s email persona to be that of a racist but entertaining Facebook aunt named Linda.
But Ted Cruz’s emails are something else all together. In just one month of perusing his incoming messages to me, here are 3 things I’ve discovered…
1) Ted Cruz is a Clingy Ex
I’ll admit I’m biased; I’ve always found Ted Cruz creepy. He’s like the Sheriff of Nottingham but if he really hated poor people.
But these subject lines from Ted Cruz read less like pleas for campaign donations and more like drunken texts from an ex at 2am. Note that I have reproduced them here with the exact amount of capitalization he used:
stop — it’s important
I need to know
He even grows passive aggressive when you don’t respond:
 missed emails.
And perhaps this one was sent while hungover the next morning?
Sorry for the late note.
Ted Cruz may be trying to come off human and relatable with these keeping-it-casual subject lines, but I’ll speak on behalf of all of America: Ted, we need our space.
2) Ted Cruz is Simultaneously Obsessed With and Terrible at Email
Ted Cruz uses some subject lines as a way to say: “This is an email! We’re doing email-y stuff! With email!”
He’s written pretend forwards:
FW: 24 hours
He’s written pretend forwards slightly differently:
Like my mom last time I visited her, Ted Cruz really wants to show off that he figured out how to forward an email all by himself. But he’s faking it. And worse, he didn’t even do enough research to use the correct amount of letters in the abbreviation “Fwd.”
On another day, Ted Cruz sent these two different emails:
He took the time not once but twice to pretend he was too cool to have the time to type a subject. And the second time he didn’t check to make sure it looked the same.
Sending an email without a subject doesn’t help with his aforementioned clingy ex vibe. I imagine at least one of these emails contains fourteen paragraphs about how he’s sorry and he’s actually over me and he still loves me.
But this one is my favorite:
In case it didn’t load, please know that there is a manually-inserted emoji of a paperclip next to the word attachment. There’s really not much I can add to this, so I’ll just let a funny insurance commercial sum up my reaction:
Look, I get it. He’s really excited about how cool this fancy new email technology is. But Ted Cruz writes subject lines like a preschooler who once watched his dad send email and is now drawing emails in crayon for his stuffed animals.
3) Ted Cruz Pretends His One Email Address is a Bunch of Email Addresses for… Some Reason?
Emails written by Ted Cruz, or whichever aide writes them for him, all come from his perfectly normal email address, email@example.com.
Most perfectly normal people set their email up to display a first and last name in their recipient’s From column. A couple of Ted Cruz’s emails do it this perfectly normal way, and display emails from firstname.lastname@example.org as being from Ted Cruz. But if emailin’ Ted Cruz was always perfectly normal, he just wouldn’t be emailin’ Ted Cruz.
Several times, emails from email@example.com have shown up as being from firstname.lastname@example.org. This is so weird for so many reasons that I lie awake at night. It’s weird that he’s pretending his website email is a personal gmail. It’s super weird that he’s created a scenario in which he did not sign up for gmail in time to get email@example.com. In his fantasy gmail world, was he the 26th Ted Cruz to join gmail? I demand answers!
Stranger still are the device-specific ones, like Ted Cruz’s iPad, which I like to imagine has become sentient, and is writing me to beg for freedom from its life of sweaty fingers searching night after night for Atlas Shrugged porn.
Members of his team do this too; firstname.lastname@example.org sent an email claiming to be from Chris iPhone. I must ask, is Chris an iPhone? Or is his last name iPhone, shortened from iPhonawitz when his grandparents arrived at Ellis Island?
One email just said it was from Incoming Voice Message. I did not listen because I don’t want to die in seven days.
Perhaps Ted Cruz is trying to look like a tech-savvy mogul who deftly navigates many accounts and apple products while rushing around on the ol’ campaign trail. But he just seems like that one friend you want to invite to your party but several emails pop up when you type their name, and you have no idea which one they’ll actually check because they’re always responding from different ones. You know, that friend who occasionally texts you from a weird Verizon email address instead of their phone number.
If I received an email tomorrow from TedCruz’sZune@aim.com that said BCc: I need you back🏀 it really wouldn’t surprise me at this point.
Ted Cruz is super weird at email. He’s a creepy stalker ex who loves email but doesn’t know how to use it, and he pretends to have countless email addresses for no discernible reason. Plus, he’s running on a backwards platform of sexism, racism and general intolerance. And, again, he’s SUPER weird at email.