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“i am upset” — Sean Spicer

1. Being asleep during WW2 week in AP World because he was up too late kissing a picture of Nancy Reagan.

2. Deciding to put his hair like that because now it would be a whole statement if he were to change it, and people keep saying that it makes him look like a baby.

3. Not getting his tear ducts removed before he started this job so that he doesn’t have to pinch his butthole so hard to keep from crying.

4. Only skimming that email with the subject line “Hey! Quick Q” from Steve Bannon and just replying, “Yeah sure! …

im not high ur high since when did u say that i shouldn’t b high dont tell me im not high because im not high these are my thoughts why is the pull of the earth so tingly please tell me when to blink because it is exhausting having to tell myself oh jesus christ… jesus was for sure a real person, i know that for sure, im not religious im just saying that no one can make all that story up and have everyone agree “yeah that’s what happened” if it didnt happen look at our government right now no one can agree and its because there is no truth in it truth does not exist anymore. i dont think that i should be thinking about that right now, but what im saying is that jesus was for sure real because we all agreed that he did this and that back in year 0 or whatever, but we cant agree with trump so is he real though? i dont think he is so when i say not my president i mean to me that is not my reality and who are you to say that my reality isnt real apparently hegel once said that but in more words. …

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“What are those. I won the popular vote.”

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As I said in the title, PLEASE help me I am just a baby. I am wildly under qualified for this job. I know that you already think that, but I don’t want to hear it. I am in way over my head like you would not believe. What is a Press Secretary? What is press? What is a secretary? What is the letter p? I just discovered my feet yesterday.

I can’t believe that you all didn’t even realize that I am a baby. Have you seen my hairline? My delicate baby boy hair swept over to the side? Have you seen the way I clutch onto my baby boy podium with my baby boy hands? You all thought that I was making up words because I am an incompetent adult, when really I just can’t read yet. I would love to know how to read, but you have all really put the cart before the horse on this one (yes, I do know what horses are, obviously, as I have a feeling that I will grow up to be a horse boy). …


Leyton Mia Cassidy

pro cryer

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