Sean Spicer’s Confession: “Please help me, I’m just a baby.”

Leyton Mia Cassidy
Mar 13, 2017 · 3 min read
baby

As I said in the title, PLEASE help me I am just a baby. I am wildly under qualified for this job. I know that you already think that, but I don’t want to hear it. I am in way over my head like you would not believe. What is a Press Secretary? What is press? What is a secretary? What is the letter p? I just discovered my feet yesterday.

I can’t believe that you all didn’t even realize that I am a baby. Have you seen my hairline? My delicate baby boy hair swept over to the side? Have you seen the way I clutch onto my baby boy podium with my baby boy hands? You all thought that I was making up words because I am an incompetent adult, when really I just can’t read yet. I would love to know how to read, but you have all really put the cart before the horse on this one (yes, I do know what horses are, obviously, as I have a feeling that I will grow up to be a horse boy). I have been forced to make up words, like a complete fucking baby, because guess what, oh, you guessed I am a baby.

How did I get this job you ask? Good question. I ask myself that in a shrill, indecipherable scream every morning at 5 am. This answer should be super clear to all of you but I guess I have to hit you idiots over the head with it. Trump for sure has age blindness. He said he would have sex with his daughter, who happens to be ten years younger than his wife. What is sex? I am a baby. Donald Trump liked my baby tie and so he hired me as his Press Secretary, then made some joke about how I had nice tits. I’ve been told that this is a secretary joke, but I don’t have any sort of cultural context. Regardless I was uncomfortable.

In regards to the impersonation of me by Melissa McCarthy. Spot on. She yells like a baby and throws things like a baby because I am a baby. She may be the only one who knows. I only tweeted out that I didn’t like her performance because I was irrationally upset that I missed it; SNL airs at midnight and I had been asleep for a good seven hours by then. She should feel free to take my job if she wants a pay cut. I have never had solid food.

I try to scream for help with my eyes whenever I have to step up in front of all those journalists because I have no concept of news, reporting, current events, or even the fact that we are on a planet floating in space. I don’t understand what that means. What is death? I have to stand everyday on television in my own peepee diaper. Please end this torture.

Thank you for reading. I don’t know how to ask for help because I am a baby.

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