I’m A Lady. Should I Vote?

As ladies, we are held to a particular standard of decorum that the modern woman is not. While the modern woman walks around in ripped jeans and tweets her inflammatory opinions, a lady dresses elegantly, speaks kindly, and ultimately strives to be an Audrey Hepburn in a world of Sarah Silvermans.

So that sets us up for a world of confusion this election cycle, especially in the presence of company. Imagine you’re hosting a party, about to pour some Dom Perignon into your guests’ Waterford glasses, and the conversation has become political almost without your knowing. You have guests who are on different sides of the aisle who will inevitably disagree. As hostess, how do you handle this situation? You defuse it with charming, non-partisan speech and direct your guests to different areas of conversation. Certainly jumping into the conversation with your opinions, if you have them, would only exacerbate the situation. Do not put the pleasure of good, civil company in danger by encouraging political arguments. It is your job as hostess to divert conversation to more neutral subjects, like that of your and your guests’ most recent visits to Musha Cay or other vacation spots.

But this problem does not only lie in the realm of parties. Ladies’ circles, junior leagues, dinner clubs, and tennis courts are in danger of becoming political arenas before the conclusion of the election. These places should be reserved for the luxuries of life, not the ultimately unimportant political debate that has become so rude and pervasive in 2016 America. In order to keep the peace and remain ladylike, we must reclaim these places of recreation by focusing on our forehands rather than immigration issues. A nice forehand that keeps the point going and a match playable is of the utmost importance.

In keeping with this commitment, which ladies never renege, we must go further to safeguard the art of pleasant company to the voting booth. We do not want to bother others amongst the electorate and/or the diligent pollworkers with the political statement of casting a ballot. There is simply nothing you can say or do amongst company in reference to your vote that would not be considered unladylike, much like the rudeness of speaking out of turn, going out in public without lipstick, holding a job, or, say, owning property.

It is clear that this election is just too controversial for civilized discourse. So as ladies, we must garner the poise of etiquette-conscious albeit strong ladies such as Elizabeth Cady Stanton behind our oversize Persol eyewear until Tuesday. In order to remain a sophisticated lady, one must not cast a vote as this would be an ungracious act towards society at large — a wholly unladylike act indeed.

*Disclaimer: This is satire. Please vote on November 8th. For polling and general voting information, click here.