The Art of Consideration
con·sid·er·a·tion
/kənˌsidərˈāSH(ə)n/
- careful thought, typically over a period of time.
“a long process involving a great deal of careful consideration”
2. a fact or a motive taken into account in deciding or judging something.
“the idea was motivated by political considerations”
3. thoughtfulness and sensitivity toward others.
“companies should show more consideration for their employees”
Please be considerate of the wildlife.
Please have consideration for the mourning.
Please consider me.
As children, consideration remained a fairly black and white principle. Our parents taught us the basics, and where the parent unit fell short, our teachers were expected to step in. To be considerate to mother nature we picked up trash we see on the ground rather than walking past it absent-mindedly; to be considerate to others, we look for those in need and offer what we can. As children, our offerings were small but the efforts we made spoke volumes to our adult counterparts.
To be considerate meant to be praised by our parents.
Positive reinforcement of these positive behaviors began to engrain into our genetic code, eventually riding with us, becoming one with the stretches of our skin, developing into a veil over our eyes. 8, 9, 10 years old, we thought of ourselves primarily, but also of how we acted towards others. Alas, as all things do, life became intricately complicated. Instead of being fed and clothed, the crowds of considerate children struck off into the world and instead of focusing on the experience and emotions of others, we focused on surviving.
Humans, whether we want to admit it or not, traverse the throes of life with the same primordial goal: stay alive.
Everything that occurs in-between this primal instinct to survive could be termed as an altruistic benefit; a value added bonus. Receiving consideration from others is an actual fucking bonus, an “I got free guacamole with my burrito” bonus. You will not find it everywhere and god knows the amount we receive from one another varies greatly.
At first, we begin to play the consideration game with our friends, and learn that with some, we will strike out every time.
We experience new-found emotions, many stemming directly from the hands of our lovers. We learn that some actions elicit very negative emotions from within us. We learn what to expect from our partners: how to be treated and treat others in return. The further we travel along the game board, the more practice we stow under our belts in the art of consideration.
Time and time again, we hear child psychologists speak of how our childhoods (let’s remember most children will live at home for a minimum of 18 years) impact our successes as adults. Each little nuance expressed as an adult can likely be traced back to an event ranging from sometime between pampers and high school graduation.
Stomaching inconsideration requires a new set of tools that I figure can only be acquired through trial and error:
1. Someone is inconsiderate and I ignore it and feel extremely spiteful.
2. Someone is inconsiderate and I address it, angrily, and exhibit a level 10 snap show.
3. Someone is inconsiderate to me and I don’t care enough to allocate energy to it, so there begins the pattern of “letting it slide”. Be a duck, they say, let things roll off your feathers like water.
4. Someone is inconsiderate and I feel it appropriate to discuss why the action or event strikes me as such.
Each time we feel an emotion as a result of consideration, we weigh out the percent chance that next time, the outcome will change. We ask ourselves if we approach the situation differently, will it change the outcome? We begin to wonder if asking for consideration is unattainable; if we will be doomed, destined to live lives in which the relationships around us fail to meet our needs?
In a romantic relationship, consideration is truly the only thing we can demand of our partners. In the same way mothers sing out in cadence to their children: “treat others how you would like to be treated,” we wish the kindergarten mentality would ring true into our 20’s and 30's.
Here is the reason why consideration is so subjective: we do not all demand the same treatment, therefor our understanding of what is and is not considerate varies so greatly.
Alas: the fatal flaw: us as humans do not demand the same treatment from one another. We are raised in different homes, in different cities, within different family structures and with varied expectations.
How, you may ask, can we be considerate of one another if what we individually demand varies so much?
We spend so much time in our heads questioning WHY our needs are not being met; WHY our partners cannot seem to understand what we are thinking. The answer is simple: consideration becomes attainable through communication and explanation. Thus, if you cannot command through communication and explanation the consideration you require, your relationships may be better off abandoned.
For many, understanding considerate behaviors cannot be fathomed. Each human is raised with an eye for consideration, the ability to pick at loose thread and peel back a page that gives way to a whole new world.
Consideration is chosen.
Consideration requires attention.
Consideration requires being present.
Consideration requires understanding.
Consideration requires time.
Somewhere between grade school, university, and children, consideration as an instinct becomes lost in the fray of day-to-day hubbub. Consideration might look like “no-phone” time dedicated to your partner, helping the chef out when cooking for a crowd or offering to contribute gas money when sharing a ride.
The realization is that being a considerate human to everyone around you takes at most, one additional thought above a normal action, at most, one question to ask to yourself:
“What can I do better?”
You can always do better.
