2am messy thought.
that night i held you against the wall and kissed you so hard that i felt the earth shattering, maybe it was just your neck pulsing beneath my lips. and i thought this is it, this is love. i think i have loved you since milk teeth to adolescent. i wanted to take you home in the safety of my blankets, instead of leaning against this wall in the dark, catching glances over our shoulders. but i’ll be damned if i let the words get around, because a girl who loves girls is a dead girl in my household. can’t let you be ruined, can’t lead you onto the battlefield, not with me, so i tucked your name under my tongue and bury you at the back of my mind.
the other night i laid naked on whoever’s bed i tripped into, barely asleep and incoherent. your name dripped from my lips like honey, it tasted like blood, my vision seconds away from getting blurry. i just wanted to intertwine my fingers with yours and kiss you under the sunlight. when i crawled out of the bed, just before sunrise when heavy mist hung over the road and the moon was still visible on the cerulean sky, i was as empty as ever and i vomited on the way home. i’ll be damned if i let myself have you. everything i want to love i end up breaking, and your heart is so beautiful i’m afraid.
i listen to the trees humming a sweeping melody, amplifying pain and i love you like the river in the rain. i would love you so good, but if i have to love you in darkness i won’t do it at all. i want to love you in the glow of moonlight, i call her luna, i think you would love the moon as much as i do. i want to love you without the pending heartbreak and punishment. i want to love you without being shamed-based subjects.
i love you,
this is the kindest thing i can do for you.
i called a boy beautiful on this party, touched the tattoo on his back, soothed the knots beneath his skin and traced the scratch marks like drawing roads on a map, but it led me nowhere. we laughed, we kissed like ellipses it was easy. it was easy and i didn’t think of any poetry when we fucked. i didn’t want to intertwine my fingers with his, i didn’t want to rub my feet with his. his heartbeats didn’t feel like home. maybe i’ve broke his heart when i sneaked out of the bed with the moon watching, maybe he didn’t care. how pathetic, i don’t even remember what his tattoo was.
i’m a carcass of impulsive decisions and regrets. everything i touch turns to dust. maybe i’m digging holes for myself to fall into to have something to write about. holes like betrayal. holes like meaningless bruises on my body by stranger’s lips. holes like “i love you but”. holes like the phone call i should make but never did.
holes like fear, verb and noun.
holes like love, verb and noun.
holes like leaving my heart, verb and verb.
its probably an aesthete thing. orpheus wouldn’t have anything to weep and sing about if he had eurydice back, so maybe he so graciously lost her by looking back at her. because really, what kind of bullshit is that he didn’t know what he was doing?
3 am sadness. 4am madness. 5am numbness.
you are not the only one i held my love back from.
the first being myself.
there is something so liquid and soft about you, like the gentle wind swirling embracing us in fall. your love will be flowering, not arid or rancid like mine. someday there will be a hand in yours, maybe it will be a girl’s, or a boy’s, or neither. your heart will swell, and your hands will tremble, it won’t be out of fear, but nerves. good nerves. love without ruining, love without running, love without fearing. you deserve as much.
in winter i wonder what it’s like to be snuggled up with you, in winter i wonder what it’d be like if we intertwine our feet together in nothing but socks, in winter i wonder if you like hot chocolate or ice cream when i take you out on sickly sweet romantic dates, in winter i wonder if we can watch the last golden glimmer of sun before it sinks out of our sight and talk about luna or decaying stars, in winter i wonder if we can sit in damp forest by wood fire and breath in the scent of blooming wildflowers. in winter i wonder because its my favourite season and i wonder.
sometimes you show up in my dreams, we would do the most ordinary tasks like making pancakes and i would call you darling because i love you so dearly. misty morning and fresh raining day, sunday morning chills shook me all the way awake, and when i’m awake i could swear you were just there, like you’ve just left. there is a simplicity in my swirling emotions, and it felt like i’ve just swallowed a lungful of glass shreds. so this is pain. i don’t like it. can you make it stop? why are my hands shaking?