Why “Tech Journalism” Isn’t Real Journalism

Me: I want to buy a Macbook Air. But I don’t really.

Tech journalist: Why’s that?

Me: Because Apple has made the decision harder for me.

Tech journalist: How?

Me: Because Apple won’t put a higher resolution screen on the Macbook Air.

Tech journalist: Both the Macbook Pro and the 2015-released Macbook have higher resolution screens, so why don’t you buy them?

Me: I don’t want to. The Pro is too heavy, I want something portable and light. That’s my preference.

Tech journalist: OK so why don’t you get the Macbook then, that’s super portable.

Me: Yes it is, but I don’t like the keyboard. I don’t like to type on its squishy keyboard, it’s like you can barely feel the keys pressing. And considering one of the main ways you interact with a computer is by typing on the keyboard, I’d like to prioritize my typing experience thank you very much.

Tech journalist: Hmm…So what options do you have? You could just buy a Macbook Air and make do I suppose? With a screen that has poor colour reproduction, low resolution, and big bezels?

Me: You mean with a screen that uses tech and design that’s about five years old, you mean?

Tech journalist: Erm, yeah.

Me: Even though, along with the keyboard, it’s the other main way you interact with a computer? Like, by looking at a screen that produces text and images. Surely I want a screen that’s nice and high resolution so it’s better for my eyes and more pleasant to use? Surely I want to prioritize that considering it’s the thing I’ll be looking at pretty much all the time when using the laptop. The screen?

Tech journalist: Well, you know, you could always buy a Windows laptop — the Dell XPS 13 is a good bet, it’s the best reviewed Windows laptop out there. It’s come highly recommended. I gave it 4.6 stars out of 5 myself. And it has a high resolution screen. Well, you’ll want the touchscreen version as that has the best screen but it affects the battery life something bad.

Me: Well Apple still make the laptops with the best battery life and I just want a Macbook Air with a better screen. Could you do something about it, for me?

Tech journalist: What? What do you expect me to do about it? I’m a tech journalist. It’s, like, not my job to tell tech companies what to do.

Me: But aren’t journalists, like, supposed to help people, and to hold powerful organizations to account, or some such?

Tech journalist: Nah, you got me confused with someone else. This ain’t politics. This ain’t a democracy.

Me: Well, what about that iPhone you got in your pocket?

Tech journalist: What about it? [Takes out his iPhone 6S Plus, with Apple battery case, holding it admiringly] Apart from that it’s a gorgeous phone of course, is that what you wanted to say?

Me: It is a pretty good looking phone, I won’t deny that. And the camera’s great, especially how easy it is to use. It’s like everyone can be Annie Liebovitz now or Ansel Adams.

Tech journo: I’d have to agree with you there. Plus it’s so thin, look at it! [Takes off battery case] Just so damn thin!

Me: Yeah…Why is it so thin like that though? You got pockets that are too tight or something?

Tech journo: No, it’s just cool. How they get thinner and thinner every year. Well, this 6S Plus is actually a teensy bit thicker than the last model…

Me: …Oh is that so?

Tech journo: Yeah but I heard maybe the next one might be really thin, like reaally thin. Because they’re removing the headphone jack.

Me: Come on. I know you’re being a bit ridiculous now. I know you don’t actually want a phone that stupid thin, do you…?

Tech journo: No, not really. It’s just Jonny has an obsession with making things stupid thin. I mean I’d really just like a bigger battery, longer battery life. I mean I had to buy this ugly as hell battery case for it because, well, I guess they knew something was up. It also helps them make more money.

Me: Well that’s dumb. Forcing people to buy a battery case that completely negates the thin design and also forcing people to stump up more cash.

Tech journo: Yeah but it’s not a democracy. This is the tech business. And Apple is in the tech business, don’t you know?

Me: Yeah and I guess you’re not trying to help me, are you?

Tech journalist: What are you talking about? We wrote a few comment pieces about that. And in our review we did, like, mention it a little bit….I think…

Me: You did? Wait, yes I think you….did?

Tech journalist: Yeah, it was that offhand remark about how maybe Apple needs to make a phone with better battery life because that’s what a lot of people are saying.

Me: Oh yeah… I remember now. You did mention it. I’m so dumb, sorry about that. But I mean you could have made a bit more of a fuss about it? Like, if it’s what a lot of people want in a new iPhone, better battery life?

Tech journalist: Wait, wait a minute. Are you…Are you suggesting, like, we could do something about it?

Me: Yeah, why not?

Tech journalist: No, no, seriously, like you mean change something? Like a campaign or something?

Me: Well it wouldn’t need to be something really hard-hitting or something. You know, just try to get the powerful people to do what the little guys want. Or something.

Tech journalist: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you….do you think this is some kind of platform where we help out the people who actually buy the tech? Like the people who help these companies make profit and get rich? Like be some kind of…medium or something?! Noooo you got me confused with someone else. And anyway, you could, I guess, go for an Android phone or something, like that Simpson phone, the Universe S7.

Me: You mean the Samsung Galaxy S7?

Tech journalist: That’s the one. It’s pretty cool. So edgy. I gave it 9/10 for its “edginess”.

Me: What?

Tech journalist: You know. Edginess. Like phones should have no bezel now, and this Simpson phone, sorry, Samsung, has so little bezel it’s now just edges. Well, they’re actually curved. But we say edges cause that’s what the Samsung guys told me.

Me: Uh huh.

Tech journalist: Yeah, it’s the “killer feature” now. A lot of “flagship” phones will have them I think in the future or maybe not. It’s what the “high-end” is gonna be like. All about these “premium” features like “3D Touch” which was supposed to be killer. These killer premium flagship high-end features are totally the future.

Me: …[Walks off…]