Five highlight from a whistle-stop US road trip from Florida to Massachusetts

Liam Pape
Liam Pape
Sep 4, 2018 · 5 min read

The best places I stopped between Orlando and Boston

Vero Beach, Florida

After three days in Florida, Sarah, Marissa and me headed to the beach at Vero Beach. Marissa and I knew that we would not be able to last long in the blazing sun however we couldn’t have came all the way to Florida only to omit a visit to the seaside. So, we put our bathing suits on and headed to the coast.

As I sat on the deck chair next to Marissa, I could feel my skin drying out and probably burning, but I knew we weren’t going to be there for much longer — so how bad could the damage be?

After about 40 minutes we all decided to go for a swim. This is when we first noticed that I had a bit of sunburn on my shoulders. However, it was only when we got back to the condo we realised the full extent of the damage.

For the rest of my life, I will be able to vividly recall the moment I hobbled out of the bathroom in just boxer shorts after examining my raw skin in the mirror, my shoulders clenched so to avoid moving my neck and irritating the skin further. Sarah and Marissa kindly offered to apply aloe to my skin, which they did with wooden utensils whilst making fun of my body. “Hey Liam, your chest is now the same colour as your nipple!” Marissa joked. The experience was in equal amounts amusing and humiliating.

Savannah, Georgia

Savannah was the most picturesque place we stopped. Spanish moss drapes from trees and houses are distinctly quaint. Before we found somewhere to wine and dine, we wandered through Forsyth Park — named not after the legendary Play Your Cards Right host and iconic primetime presenter but rather a 19th century congressman. Inside the park is a Fragrant Garden for the blind (according to Wikipedia anyway, but we never saw it) and a beautiful fountain.

Above: Entering Georgia, the meal at the mansion, the Talmadge Memorial Bridge

That evening, we visited in a 16th century mansion that had been converted into a multi-storey restaurant. We had not booked ahead so ended up in a dark corner of the basement; in our own minute cubbyhole which other diners kept confusing for the way to the exit.

South of the Border, South Carolina

South of the Border — yes, that’s actually the name of a place in South Carolina — probably has the highest plastic animal to person ratio in the world. The town prides itself on being on the border between South Carolina and North Carolina and road signs informing you that you’re approaching the real life playmobil town start over 150 miles away.

Despite being over 1400 miles away from America’s southern border (making it actually closer to Canada), the town has a distinct Mexican feel to it; an enormous 30-foot Mexican bandido called Pedro greets you on the side of the road as you enter the town.

Ride ’Em Cowboy: Me and Sarah in South Carolina

This town/attraction has a firework shop bigger than most supermarkets in Britain, a hideous toy store named ‘Pedro’s Mexico Shop’, a water tower wearing a sombrero, and a large ice cream parlour which we visited simply to use the ‘restroom’. As we approached it, a large bloke emerged and warned us, “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you”. Code for: I’ve just done a big dirty dump.

South of the Border is unapologetically ugly, oblivious to its own bad taste, and a place where Mexican culture goes to die. Regardless, I loved every second of my visit there and even got a bright yellow t-shirt to commemorate the visit.

Baltimore, Maryland

Baltimore was a key stop on our food tour of the east coast. In previous days, we had devoured oranges in Florida, peaches in Georgia, and barbeque chicken in North Carolina. Maryland is known for its seafood so when we stopped for the night in Baltimore, we thought it only right to visit a fish house.

Between us we ordered copious amounts of lobster, crab, and various other types of ocean dwelling creature. From our table, we had a stunning view over the Patapsco river at sunset. It would have been quite romantic for the two girls — if I hadn’t of been there like Chandler’s nubbin.

Wow: The view from the restaurant in Baltimore

As was becoming customary on this trip, Sarah and myself also purchased t-shirts to commemorate the visit. At first, they didn’t have Sarah’s size, so they needed to go have a look in the store cupboard. Once one had been located, a beaming barman came bouncing down the room and exclaimed, “Oh man! I’m so pleased you found one!” Yet another example of creepily enthusiastic American customer service…

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

No, we didn’t go to the Rocky steps. But we did go see the liberty bell (turns out you can’t lick it. Security won’t allow you to. How I Met Your Mother lied to us). Philadelphia — or as the locals call it, Phillyis a significant place for Americans apparently. We visited the room where the declaration of independence was signed, and I endured an hour of sass from a tour guide who made Britain the punchline of every joke.

The cuisine of Philadelphia is apparently cheesesteak. To an ignorant Brit, one might assume this is a burger. But it’s not. A cheesesteak is a type of sandwich, containing steak and cheese. Not particularly impressive or imaginative and Philadelphia claiming this as their staple cuisine is like London claiming fried chicken as theirs but it was mouth-wateringly good so I’ll let this one slide.


So there are my five highlights from my trip earlier this summer. However in all truth, once the trip was over we spent two days of bobbing around shops, lounging in hammocks and strawberry picking in Massachusetts — and this was possibly the best part. Although not particularly interesting, it was wonderful just relaxing with Sarah and Marissa (my American chaperones/chauffeurs). Without Marissa, the planning polymath, and Sarah, with the ability to not fall asleep at the wheel, the 1400-mile whistle-stop US road trip from Florida to Massachusetts would not have been possible*.

Above: A birdbrained, large-breasted creature stood with some chickens in Massachusetts

*That’s not a profound nor touching sentiment. I’m simply not insured to drive in America so needed them to get me from A to B.

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