A guide to doing ‘the sex’

Hey folks, thanks for joining me.

I know a lot of you are wondering why I would write something like this and honestly, so am I, but in today’s modern digital world sex is basically everything, if you’re not having sex you’re a fucking loser, you’ll probably get bullied by your classmates, coworkers, religious leaders, parents etc. So I’m here to do my mandatory community service by teaching you all how to do the fucking sex baby. Now I know you’re probably thinking “Why should you be our guide” and that’s simple, I’m a fucken’ hip teen, I have over 700 followers on Twitter so you know I’ve got to be doing something right, I also do other teen stuff, like drinking alcohol, or listening to rap music dangerously loud (My doctor advises against it). Knowing all this you probably have come to the conclusion that I’m an expert at doing the sex, which is true. So let’s begin.

“I’m a fucken’ hip teen”

Sex: Puberty’s gift.

Before we begin let’s examine sex itself, Merriam Webster defines sex as: “physical activity in which people touch each other’s bodies, kiss each other, etc. : physical activity that is related to and often includes sexual intercourse” I don’t know why I included that but it seems like something a good writer would put in a good article, and you’re also now well informed!

Dressing well: Mandatory.

A really important part of getting laid is how you look, don’t let any bullshit graphic on a picture of the ocean tell you anything different. If you’re not dressed well you might as well be like 40, and thus ineligible for sex. Personally I just throw on whatever makes me look the most homeless and call it a day but find what outfits work for you. Maybe buy a white tee shirt and cut some holes in it and just tell everyone you’re an Instagram tee shirt designer, I’m sure someone will find that #fuckable. If you’re really having trouble just type in “fashion blog” and copy whatever you see on there. Another option is just dressing like Justin Bieber because I’m pretty sure everyone wants to copulate with him anyways.

Music: the sound of love

Music is a great way to meet people, and then fuck them. A great conversation to have about music and sex, one that I use all the time, is “so what kind of music do you like? Cool, so you like doing the sex?” Works. Every. Time. Seriously people love music almost as much as they do sex and if you can somehow mix the two you’re bound to fuck. Go listen to EDM, all the people who listen to EDM are literally ready to do the sex at any minute, you know what they say “The D in EDM stands for Dickin’” (I said that). Another great music choice is R&B, which is basically music made for sex, and Hip Hop, a genre which brings to the table many artist who have done the sex.

Flexing: The flexing of sex

Flexing is important. Really important. You basically always have to show your A game at all times, this attracts people because success is an attractive quality in a mate or whatever. I flex 99% of my day, and I make everything a flex. Hit up any social media you can possibly find and brag about yourself all day long, be as insufferable as humanly possible. Brag about making toast correctly, brag about the inevitable heat death of the universe, who givess a shit, just make it impressive. I even brag about shit that’s sad, that’s the key, I failed a test? I meant to fail that test baby! I’m in ludicrous amounts of debt? I’m spending hella money and not giving a shit (More on this later folks). It doesn’t matter what it is, just make it impressive, and people will want to do the sex with you.

Money: Have lots of it

A really important part of fucking is spending ridiculous amounts of money impressing your desired coitus target. Since we live in a world where everyday we act as slaves to the overlord known as capitalism, it looks good when we present ourselves dominating the ever present human struggle of monetary gain. Also spending money on your prospective mate makes them feel loved or whatever. When you go out to eat, and the bill comes, jump up onto the table, grab the bill, and loudly declare “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered” This will likely instantly cause arousal and you’ll probably fuck right there on the table. I see a lot of guys who used to bully me in high school (why did you do those things to me michael why) go out to clubs and buy bottle service and they’re usually surrounded by numerous prime fertile individuals so they must be doing something right, seriously just throw around money like you’re the lead actor in a sequel to The Wolf of Wall street (Successful pop culture references will also get you laid) it will work.

Talking to people: oh fuck

Now since most of you are from the internet you’re probably terrified of interacting with other human beings in any sort of way, which is okay, but you have to do it to fuck. Go out to a bar and talk to random people about their interests, make sure to nod your head, make eye contact, and smile, this conveys interest in people, a key lie in doing the sex. For me, it’s really hard to meet people, so a trick I use is to picture everyone naked, and it makes everything less embarrassing, but usually I just get a boner and then I have to leave, so take that tip with caution. Another way to meet people is on the internet. The internet is good because it eliminates all face to face embarrassment and individually reduces us to simple names, conveying a sense of anonymity, perfect for fucking. Slip into anybodies DM’s with no subtlety what so ever, seriously just message someone “Wanna fuck” at like 2 am, pretty high success rate, and you’ll probably never run into them in person, right? Right??

Online Dating: Please stop messaging me

Another great way to meet sex partners is online dating (sex) apps, like Tinder, LinkedIn, Grindr, or Ok Cupid if you’re a 47 year old divorcee and thus, again, ineligible for sex. Make yourself a profile and immediately start networking with other horny scum. Seriously these apps are hives of festering vileness. There’s basically no etiquette what so ever, it’s like that scene in Star Wars where Han walks into Mos Eisley Cantina and it’s just degenerates. I usually open with absolute incomprehensible gibberish it really doesn’t fucking matter. Literally just talk to anyone you can and try to seal the deal in like 8 messages because nowadays people have the attention span of fucking goldfishes.

Going out on date: A simpler time

Going out on dates is really important to doing the dirty. You should pick a place that conveys you as a person, but not really, if that was true I would just go to garbage dumps, or fish processing plants. Pick cool places like nice cafes, this shows that you enjoy coffee, and are smart, sophisticated, and again enjoy coffee. It’s also a really good place to have a decent conversation in which you convince your partner to do the sex with you. Bars are also good places for dates, because you can pay for your dates drink (see: Money) and then get belligerently drunk, a trait that is very desirable in sexual partners. A bookstore is another place to go to on dates if you’re an insufferable asshole who is overall very obnoxious as a person, don’t do it. Be creative with your potential date place, but make sure to pick something that allows you to talk, so you can show you’re interesting, intelligent, funny, and most importantly, fuckable.

Condoms: Bring them.

Safe sex is important, and contrary to popular opinion, cool, here’s why: Carrying condoms around with you conveys one simple message: I’m an incredibly doing the sex person. There’s no other use for condoms except maybe making vines with them, or having water balloon fights, okay those are pretty good uses actually, but you get the point. If your partner sees you have condoms they’ll be impressed in two ways 1) that you practice safe sex and 2) that you’re capable of doing the sex. Seriously, shove condoms literally everywhere you can, in your wallet, your hat, your shoe. For perspective here’s a stock photo of what your wallet should look like that I came across by Googling wallet with a lot of condoms in it, seriously.

A good rule of thumb is to just put two condoms in every pocket you have so they’ll accidentally fall out at every inappropriate time, impressing your target.

The Actual Sex.

You’ve done it. You’ve secured the sex, now you’re probably thinking “Liam what do I do” well, you do, the sex. Usually I just close my eyes, cry a lot and then just like leave after 45 minutes, I went to a Christian high school so I never got any sex ed so I really don’t know what to do, thanks Jesus. Anyways at this point it’s all up to you, do your thing. I’m proud of you, it’s like watching my child grow up, and then fuck, but in a non-creepy way.

Thank you

Thanks for reading my article, I really appreciate it and I hope it gets you to doing a lot of the sex ™. I’m pretty sure I used like 14 different terms to describe sex in this and maybe unknowingly commited a crime. Anyways, I’m not liable for anything that goes wrong in your life, if you liked this article you should follow me on Twitter where I post tons of awful content just like this.