How to get a Job

Alright, look, being a brokeboi sucks, there’s no way around it, if you have no money people won’t want to be your friend. So I’m here to give you a guide on how to get a job, and subsequently, that fucking money baby.

Look, I know you’re probably wondering why you would come to me instead of going to a professional job coach (Does that exist?), however, I’ll have you know that in my 18 short years I’ve had four(4!) real jobs, and I only got fired from one of them. I’ve worked in the childcare industry, despite well, being me, I worked shipping on two jobs despite being a feeble little boy, and, hilariously, I’ve worked as a janitor. This just goes to show that if I can get a job, literally anyone else can get a job

Don’t: sell drugs

Look, selling drugs is a really bad way to make money because it’s immoral or something, more importantly, it’s a crime, and you’ll go to jail. Moving that dope can and most likely will get you arrested. Seriously do not become the plug under any circumstance. From the 2 and a half seasons of Orange Is the New Black I watched, jail ostensibly sucks.

Finding what you like

You’ll literally never be able to find employment that you actually enjoy because of the depraved nature of the human condition, hell yeah baby! Anyways, find a job that you can put up with, or more importantly, lie to yourself about liking!

Your resume (Curriculum Vitae for all my Latin Heads out there)

This is a really important part of getting a job, for those of you who don’t know it’s basically a sheet where you flex all your accomplishments. Basically any other job or anything that makes you look moderately well put together you should slap on there, it’ll work. Alternatively if you’re just an average joe you can try to age old strategy of bending the truth! Harvard Law School always looks great on a CV, they have literally no way of knowing as long as you put “references available upon request” in which case I’m pretty sure you just put on a fake voice and sell yourself.

Handing out your CV

Arguably the worst part about doing literally anything in life is human interaction, this especially sucks when trying to convince someone to hand you a job. The first part about getting a job is getting your CV out there, whether it be literally handing it out to places of work, or emailing it to people, you gotta do it. Put on your best clothing, brush your teeth and go out their in the world. Always make sure to shake your managers hand or some bullshit I’m not really sure, just for once in your life try not to break down crying at basic human interaction.

Start a business

Find something sell-able, and then sell it, capitalism baby! I’m not really sure how to start a business but I went to a private catholic high school and a lot of the kids I went to school with said this is their “aspiration” or whatever and they have assured me they’ll be ludicrously more successful than me, so maybe try this. Once your business is established don’t forget to share insufferable success memes on Facebook so people will know you “never sleep and only grind” or something. Try inventing an app you asshole.

Social Media

Never ever ever in your entire life share your social media with potential employers, I live in constant fear of anybody in a position of authority to me finding me on like Twitter. Seriously, you’re probably pretty fucking weird on the internet. Don’t let people know you use it, a good way to get out of this is by simply saying “I’m Amish”, and then promptly fainting at the sight of technology.

Nepotism

DADDY OWNS A LAW FIRM SO I GET PAID 30 DOLLARS AN HOUR TO GO ON COFFEE RUNS AND POST IN AN MRA SUBREDDIT

Die

if you die you don’t need any money ever, who wins now capitalism?

Thank you

Thanks for reading a Liam Burke Guide ™ on: How to get a Job. Evidently, this has probably been literally no help whatsoever, and you will still be as unemployed, if not more, than you were before reading this guide, so sorry. I wish you luck in your actual job search (If you’re unfortunately undergoing one), and as always thank you for continuing to support me by clicking this link. If you liked this consider following me on Twitter:liamburkeidk