I Critiqued Pictures of Walnuts I Googled

So I decided to critique walnuts. I don’t have any walnuts right now so I googled photos of them to critique, here we go.

The Dinkus Brothers

Now this is a group of walnuts baby, look at how hearty and meaty those nuts are. You could feed a family for a week with just one of those babies. But on a more serious note, those walnuts do not look like brains at all (One of the funnier qualities of the Juglans regia nut) they’re definitely going to take a hit for that one. Based on my preliminary knowledge of a healthy walnut, which I will admit, is basically nonexistent. The actual shell of these nuts look quite healthy and sturdy, a good quality. Overall I’d give these nuts a solid 7.5/10.

Tiny Tim and the Nut Gang

Now these, these are walnuts. Oh baby yes they are. You can just tell by looking at them that these are some quality nuts. The outside of those shells look so hard you could probably kill your childhood bully Ted with them (statute of limitations baby). More importantly, that dumb ass scarecrow would probably ask the Wizard of Oz for one to use as a brain (Seriously who asks for a brain as a gift?). Overall I would give these nuts an 8.4/10


A solid entry, albeit we can’t see the actual nut itself so it’s going to take a few hits in the point section for that one. This walnut looks pretty healthy and hearty at the same time, like a 37 year old accountant who makes sure to hit the gym maybe every day for probably around an hour and a half depending on if he stayed up late the previous night watching TV. Also if I had to bet money on it I would say this nut looks pretty damn buoyant, and if I had it in front of me I would most definitely throw it into a bathtub. Overall 7.1/10

Grutilda and sons (LLC)

Wow, look at how much nut is in there, Christ all mighty is that normal? That looks like some GMO shit right there. DISQUALIFIED FOR DOPING.

Dave, Chester, and [REDACTED]

Now, these are quality nuts. Look at how large those suckers are, they look like fucken baseballs. and look at how much nut you’re getting out of each walnut. They also really look like brains which I just find really funny. Also the shells are real thin meaning you get more nut out of each walnut, fantastic. Overall 8.933/10

His Holy Eminence, Sir Siegfried Gunther the Ninth, Earl of Walnut

This nut looks kinda old, but still delicious, probably has an aged taste, like a fine glass of scotch. The shell itself looks pretty weathered so you know this nut has been through a lot in life. Unfortunately, shortly after this photo was taken, this walnut was gunned down in a tragic gang related shooting. Rest in Peace, Walnut. Overall (12+5)/2

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