Out-of-Office messages I have considered using while I was sleeping.

1:27 AM Autoreply: “Thank you for your message; I am currently sleeping with limited access to email. If you’re contacting me now it’s likely because you’re drinking the scotch one of the ad partners sent over and have decided to panic about the company’s Wikipedia entry. While you are completely capable of changing that entry yourself with far fewer words than it took to write me your hysterical email, you will instead flex your C-suite muscles. I look forward to fearing for the continuation of my job when I awake.”

2:14 AM Autoreply: “Thank you for your message; I am currently sleeping with limited access to email. I understand that emailing me at this hour with all of leadership cc-ed on the thread shows them how truly invested you are in the company while also highlighting my choice not to be available 24 hours a day. I look forward to making you look good when I awake.”

3:36AM Autoreply: “Thank you for your message; I am currently sleeping with limited access to email. I appreciate that you are finally providing feedback on the “high priority” deck I sent two weeks ago. I encourage you to read the entire deck because every question you ask about a slide will indeed be answered in the subsequent slide. I look forward to walking you through this basic deck functionality when I awake.”

4:42 AM Autoreply: “Thank you for your message; I am currently sleeping with limited access to email. I know that making it to the C-suite is your only dream right now and you are cannibalizing me to get there. My dream at this moment involves walking through a cubist apartment with an orange alligator while wearing a top hat, accompanied by two lollipops licking each other- which is essentially candy cannibalism. I prefer my version. I look forward to resigning when I awake.”