Dear Diary ~ I’ve cracked the code to LTR success

Dr. Libbi Finnessy
Sep 2, 2018 · 11 min read
Me, myself, and no masks…

Let me set a couple things straight, right off the bat — first of all I don’t really love the phrase “set things straight” — it reminds me of when ignorant a-holes suggest something is “so gay” and they don’t mean it in the “merriment and joy” type of way. Or even when someone remarks with a “left-handed” compliment…does being a southpaw make one less? I don’t care if you are gay, straight, trans, blue, green, right handed, or yellow — Love is Love. So let’s get back to the few items Im going to set awry:) See what I did there?

I have been married. And divorced — so technically I have a “Was-band” . My parents have been in a loving relationship for 40 plus years and that is what I meant with every piece of my being when I said my vows…there was no option for divorce … until I realized some marriages aren’t safe. Drop mic.

Since my divorce I have stayed in shape by running from commitment — Don’t get me wrong — I love being in the relationships I just don’t like when the other person wants to a) move in b) get engaged c) buy a large item together d) pretty much anything pertaining to and not excluding a pledge, a vow, a promise, a step usually and often leading to the next step being marriage……but I think I’ve cracked a code of sorts…for all you folks out there choosing wedding venues, engagement rings, and setting yourself up for failure — until you read this article and I give you the keys to success, of course.

So here goes.

  1. Online Dating. Mistake number one. First off, please do not contort “It is the only way to meet someone anymore!” Errrrrr wrong! Put your devices down that you cling to like a demising relationship in high-school and similar to how a woman bartender being oogled by the (non)gentleman at the bar may retort “Eyes up here, Sonny” (He was looking at her tatas — come on keep up as we have a lot of ground to cover) — keep your eyes up. Look around, say hello to people as you walk by, sit next to someone on the bus, not in the one nook and cranny unoccupied, volunteer, try something new when next in the elevator (No — don’t turn around and face the other people pronouncing “I’ve gathered you all here today…), but strike up a convo with a man or a woman or a kid — and not for the soul purpose of finding a mate — but for the soul purpose of bettering a life, and just maybe and highly likely bettering yours at the same time. We will come back to Online Dating in a future faux pas.
  2. You meet someone. You put your best foot forward. Mistake number two. Since most of you won’t listen right away or shall I say “left” away (Im cracking myself up. Focus, Libbi.) I’d like to discuss your online dating profiles…Adventure seeker, love life, yoga, rosé all day, hopeless romantic, sarcasm as a second language…enough of this bullshit. When crafting a modern day profile or when on a first-ish date I vote we should put our worst foot forward…not showcasing mean or nasty characteristics (Cause anyone with those shouldn’t be allowed to date), but showcasing the “real deal”…who are you when the lights dim, the honeymoon phase screeches to a halt, and the cocaine like rush of first love chemicals in you brain subside. Because marriages or long term relationships are definitely longer than six months (typical timing of the turning point in a relationship — might we keep going on this relationship road or do I not really even like the person I tagged all over Instagram the last 4–6 months). I will use myself (a novice and proud of it with regards to online dating) for example so as not to offend anyone — let’s be honest — someone (likely many) will be offended by something, someone might be offended by my flipping name with how sensitive people can be now). Here goes…my profile would read:

Hi, my name is Libbi, I have a beautiful little girl — who is bomb dot com (its an expression people — stop being so sensitive) I’m a dentist, that adores what I do — which to me is helping people — if only I could make money being a fairy godmother….I love sports aka Im competitive as hell which also makes me somewhat stubborn — and while I know it’s helped me grow a flourishing business when I turn that stubbornness into determination, it really isn’t that fun to argue with someone that is stubborn. And by the way…in a marriage you will…argue.

I’ve been in a terribly abusive relationship (not going to confirm nor deny if that was my

marriage so as not to offend any narcissists out there) and that abuse is something I’ve gone to YEARS of therapy to deal with aka work thru aka better myself always (because obviously investing in yourself has the best ROI ever!). That past trauma definitely still affects me but less and less; I startle easily, I’ve run from commitment, I’m independent to a fault, I abhor being vulnerable, asking for help or loving someone first (not to mention last — that really sucks) I work my ass off and it is quite difficult for me to turn my mind off — I’m either spinning my wheels around my next full mouth reconstruction case, conjuring up another business idea, drawing the 12th invention I came up with…of the day, trying to discern just how the Baader Meinhof phenomenon really works (the frequency illusion — like when you learn a new word (maybe Baader Meinhof) and all the sudden you see it in the paper, read it in a book, and everyone and their mother seems to have tossed it into their vocab repertoire) or daydreaming about how fab my kiddo is and the next adventure we are going to find , or just how damn lucky I am to have the fam that I do…my mind just goes and goes and goes like the pink fluffy energizer bunny from the nineties — but I like to think I’d be more of a cute little badass koala or something.

I have depression and manage it well with Cymbalta (the little pill you will see me swallow every morning and no I won’t try to hide it — cause I’d rather know sooner than later if you place a stigma on mental health — or if you are intelligent enough to equate say depression to someone with poor eyesight. Chemicals in my brain don’t work properly. Properties of their eye don’t work properly. We both can alleviate either issue with modern science. PS The science side of me would much prefer to explain the legendary narrative of an intensely intricate process, similar to homing pigeons trained by the ancient Persians carrying letters to communicate, the process of our neurotransmitters linking up with their appropriate and expressive neurons by their unique synapses and receptors — now this is a dance that should go viral like #KEKE. Alas, neurotransmitters like serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine aren’t as well received (by the receptors) in someone with depression. Medication can directly act to turn on these catcher’s mitts for bliss. And of course exercise, rest, positive mantras, meditation, etc have all shown to help as well for the anti-drug people reading this. Similar story when our cornea (lens) refracts light in a fashion that focuses it in front of the retina of our eye — say hello to nearsightedness. Glasses will refocus that lovely little light to hit the absolute perfect spot (get your mind out of the gutters people). What else…I played rugby in college…and while I’m not a tiny person — I was the smallest on the team (determination — case in point) Well I got knocked out like nobody’s business and still have a massive bump on my right forehead…I call it a unicorn horn…but it is 100% scar tissue. I’ve broken lots of bones and tend to be slightly accident prone — lets just say “Medically delicate”, but still seek out adventure and ride my Ruckus Scooter all over town (should wear my helmet even when not on it probably). I really enjoy a great work out — a boxing session, a soul cycle, a high intensity interval training…but here’s the truth, I kegel all the time but you know what … having a baby affects things but just as an aside you should know I had to have a total hysterectomy for health reasons so no more kiddos coming out of this hoo ha. Alas when I do a circuit and it involves jumping rope (something I DO NOT LIKE) I pee my pants…but just a little..not a lot — I promise. It’s embarrassing some might say — but it’s just me — I say that a lot — “It’s just Libbi” and I can’t change it so why would I ever hide it from my future partner in crime— cue Meghan Trainor’s “Dear Future Husband” anthem.

What’s my point here….I digress for a moment…when you grow up you hopefully learn the 24 hour rule. Don’t send any emotional text or a frustrated email before you wait for 24 hours and calm down. Well the entire premise of this post is that this is “A 24 hour rule gone bad”. Mom wants to proof read it for adverbs. A friend wants to edit out my random silliness and swear words. My bestie wants to save me from embarrassing the f outta myself…Well it is published.

Okay that’s not my point — my point is to get you all to forty plus years like Mom and Dad.

  1. Opposites attract (and fireworks explode) but similarities stay. Mistake number three. I’ve been attracted substantially to four men since my divorce. And every single one lit me on fire….but those that light on fire tend to just as brilliantly burn out. Gary Kremen was a gazillionaire when he deciphered the algorithm for match.com..which was originally: opposites attract…but he became a gazillionaire when he understood that just enough similarities … stay. Its real and true. And the amount of people that end up together for lights on fire and love at first sight is exciting but still far and few between from the folks that just plain enjoy similar things. They, like my folks, stay…
  2. Women are now independent A-F. Previously women were under this stigma that they could not succeed, raise a family, run a business, basically a “she” couldn’t or wouldn’t come to fruition without a man (or partner) — and no I am not calling for that but it is a valid point to be discussed…It is wonderful and important but it really fucks with the success of marriage and long term relationships. I’ve been in four over a year relationships since my wasband…and let me tell you (much to their disappointment likely) I never loved them as much as they loved me. I wouldn’t let myself. The slightest bit of vulnerability and Im out…out! You wanna hear vulnerable — back to my online profile I’ve written for you all today listing what “isn’t right/left/normal about me. Thus we need a new normal. Oh Normal eh? I was born in Normal, Illinois and I am proud to ALWAYS be the “abnormal” one! Ill post the silly no make up video online. I’ll tell the world I take an antidepressant, Ill show up each year to the fundraiser with with my glowing and often LOUD personality. But what I won’t do is settle and you shouldn’t either. Don’t cut any man woman or person short — anyone can do anything with a little elbow grease — right mom? Seriously, being controlled is not the same as being cared for. So often I would go to the opposite extreme when I felt anything less than independent. But time has taught me in relationships with friends, business situations, and love lines — vulnerability is a must. Had I not taken a risk and hung my dental shingle — Id never have been able to experience the joys of my team, been able to save so many smiles, create new ones, and even travel abroad on dental missions. Same thing goes for your long term relationships. There is no need to just jump shit I mean ship when things go awry….hang on and ride the wave. Encourage your partner to blossom because of who THEY ARE — not who you want them to be. And same goes for you — don’t look for someone to (Barfing in my mouth) “Complete you”…be a complete person first and you will attract the same and live a glorious life — promise — see IM learning I just promised and didn’t high tail it outta here due to my commitment issues — my four runner and I are on 12 years now and there is no end in sight — now that’s a vow!
  3. Sex is a must not an option. When people think sex is an option (in their relationships) it’s a problem…let’s say problem number five. And yes I understand this article is NOT for everybody. Im treating it like an open book diary. Alas, we can connect closer than anyone when we fuck/make love/do the horizontal polka/call it what you will. But it’s this thing that sometimes scares us or we get lazy or tired or aren’t honest with our partner about what will make us truly orgasm and ENJOY the sex…Look no matter how much I work out I have cellulite — like any other woman over about 24 years old, I have a high stress job, and a mini-me that exhausts me at times, but at the end of the day it is a primal expression of ourselves and our love (well at times) for one another and we should focus on the feelings felt not the stuff that gets in the way like packing a lunch or a saggy bum. Up your confidence and just throw caution to the wind. Nothing is off limits should you and your partner feel safe (cue safe word lol). For crying out loud, I‘ll handcuff you to the bed like no other…shoot Im supposed to keep this PG…thus…make love not war. Ending this point, as I think you get my drift. Sex is a brilliant gift we give our partners and they give us and it should be done on the reg. The very very reg!
  4. Instant gratification…Swiping. Problem numero six. I worry for the generation of swiping right. I’ve legitimately seen people on a date not going so well and they are swiping across the table!!!! You get into your first tiff and people look to see the next tinder hottie with a body…why? Cause we don’t darn our socks anymore! — I realize that’s quite a jump but it’s true. Our society is quick to toss or throw something out. We don’t work to fix things anymore. And when I say things I mean exactly everything — a sock, a broken side rail on the truck (yes I had a run in with gorilla glue and my four runner but hey its “fixed”), a hole in a sweater, a down trodden relationship. I believe nothing truly good comes easily. It takes effort, elbow grease, attention, and risk. So if you want Ben Harper’s “Forever” roll your sleeves up and put in the hard work.

And that my friends is the not so secret code exposed. Marriage will work, a long term relationship will succeed if…we put our screens down along with our masks…and we accept the person that loves us for us…not our microbladed brows, or curated instagram page…but for the person we really and truly are — all faults addressed and in the open. Cause guess what — no one is perfect…we are all works in progress that deserve deep deep love and commitment. Now go be you in all your glory. And yes I will march on doing as I say not just telling you to.