Are you a good person, or just insecure?

Photo by Oladimeji Odunsi on Unsplash

Have you ever thought about what makes someone a good person?

Is a good person someone who puts their interests aside for the sake of others? Someone who puts others before them, no questions asked and no matter what?

Before reading on, please take a moment to write down your own definition of being ‘good’. It might come in handy in the end of this post.

Perception of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ is formed early in our childhood years. Distinguishing good and bad is one of the most important lessons parents have to convey to their children. And it is a very hard lesson to convey, too. While many notions of what being ‘good’ means are perfectly innocent and necessary, there are also notions of behaviors considered ‘good’ by our parents or other authority figures, which are harmful and/or hurtful for the child at the same time (for instance, proclaiming that absolute obedience is a good behavior— teaches a child to be obedient while supressing their feelings and opinions).

As adults, we still rely on many notions on ‘being good’ which derive from what we’ve learned early on from our parents, society, religion, peers, siblings, and other authorities.

With these notions, we are pretty much on autopilot, we do not question them; mostly because we’re usually not even aware of them. These notions have, over time, become our deep beliefs around which we form our identity.

For example: Being raised by authoritative parents, who encouraged absolute obedience as ‘good’ behavior, might result with a belief that being submissive and not voicing your opinion, is ‘good’ behaviour.

Being raised by emotionally immature or unstable parents, might result with a belief that you are only good if you take too much upon yourself, no matter what the cost.

Being raised by overly demanding parents, might result in a belief that you are only ‘good’ if you never make mistakes.

These notions are very powerful, especially when we have formed our identities around them. They are so powerful that we might not even be aware how many things we do just to live up to expectations which we implemented early on.

Here are some examples how these notions of being ‘good’ can affect someone’s adult life: working overtime so you can show your boss how dedicated and willing to sacrifice you are — meanwhile hating your boss for not acknowledging it; being overly cooperative with coworkers or family members at your expense — while being frustrated for not standing up for yourself at the same time; putting everyone else’s needs before your own — but being resentful deep inside because no one sees and values how far you are stretched.

So, being good obviously doesn’t mean doing a good deed out of wrong reason (whether it is fear, shame, blame, or some other negative emotion). In other words, doing good because not doing it would paint us in a bad way (as lazy, selfish, or not enough of a victim), is not a good motive. And doing good out of that kind of motive doesn’t make you a good person, either.

Being good means doing good out of the right reason. Motivation behind doing something good is the key difference. Doing good just for the sake of doing good also makes us feel good instead of frustrated, resentful and angry, which is what we feel when we feel pressured into doing good.

Feel good to do good

So, when do people feel inclined to do good just because it feels good to do good?

Basically, they do it when they feel good about themselves. Feeling confident enough to state your own opinion, gives you the freedom to do good, as well as the freedom to decline to do good. Exercising this freedom is the real test of character, and with it comes the real satisfaction in doing good.

What can you do to change your underlying motive?

  1. Detect

The hardest part with making a change is detecting what needs to be changed. Since we are subjective by nature, and since we pretty much appear super normal to ourselves, this part is a challenge. On the other hand, just by detecting notions that are harmful, more than half your job is done.

You can try to deduct your conclusion by taking into account many experiences you‘ve had and try to add them all up deciphre what they tell you.

Or you can try inductive reasoning — ask yourself in a specific situation what is the motivation behind your action. Are you doing good because it’s the right thing to do and it feels right, or because not doing it would make you seem bad? How does it play into the messages you received as a child?

If you have taken the time to write down the definition of what being good means in your vocabulary, you might find bits of your answer there. What does it feel like, being good by your definition of good? If the answer is positive, great; if not, than you should detect what are the lessons you learned earlier on, that produce the belief that you should feel like that when you do ‘good’.

2. Deflect

When you’ve realised what you need to work on, or when you recognise in a certain situation that your motivation is off, make the effort to make the change in the right direction. This will sometimes mean saying no to some people you have usually said yes to; it might also mean standing up to people you never stood up to before. It is very trying, but well worth it.

3. Respect

Yourself.

Make a conscious choice to have higher regard for your personal boundaries. Respect yourself enough to give yourself a gift of personal freedom.

If you want to be the guy who puts in a lot of overtime, that’s perfectly fine, as long as it makes you feel happy instead of frustrated. If you like to put your family’s needs first, and subsequently haven’t got a lot of time for yourself, it’s okay as long as you don’t resent them for it.

Doing ‘good’ because you have to, and not because you really want to, can lead to frustration and lifelong resentment for you and others.

By being kind to yourself, by respecting yourself, you won’t have the need to prove to others how ‘good’ you are by demeaning yourself in any way. True satisfaction of doing good comes from a conscious choice to do good, not from being coerced into it.