Is self-love — selfish?
Selfishness might not be the worst human flaw, but it certainly is one of the most detested ones. It has a very negative reputation.
And we all have it to some extent. Which makes us despise ourselves sometimes, and loathe others who have it, too. It makes us use all kinds of defense mechanisms, including projections (Look how selfish she is! I would never do such a thing…), rationalizations (I’m not being selfish, I am doing what’s best for everybody…), etc.
One of the reasons why selfishness has such a bad reputation is precisely the fact that we are all selfish to some degree, and we need selfishness to survive (both literally and figuratively).
If you selflessly give away all your food and clothes, you will starve and freeze to death. If you selflessly refuse to take credit for the good work you’ve done, your boss might let you go when the company hits a rough patch, instead of the colleagues you shared the merit with.
Throughout our formative years, we’ve been taught and told many times that selfishness is a bad, negative human ‘quality.’
We’ve been asked repeatedly to share our toys and candies, to spend our spare time on activities we didn’t necessarily want to practice just so we don’t seem selfish. Selfishness is bad. It eats away at your soul and makes you a horrid human being —or so at least we’ve been told.
We’re used to defining the good behavior as that which is selfless. You are a good person if you put your own needs aside, and put others before you. Putting yourself first makes you look selfish.
What we tend to forget is that not many things in life are black or white — they usually come in some shade of grey. Selfishness can be graded — from an exclusively selfish behavior, to a barely selfish behavior.
Consequently, not every behavior that has a selfish connotation to it, is bad — as we are, unfortunately, programmed to think.
Where does our society stand on self-love?
Self-love is often considered as one of the purest and clearest forms of selfishness. It is, in fact, considered to be a synonym for selfishness.
To love oneself is to be selfish.
This, of course, deserves loathing and disgust.
But, does this statement hold true?
When we think about people who love themselves, we all tend to think about those people who are very — overly — confident, narcissistic, self-absorbed, who put themselves first, who display their lives proudly on social media, who brag, who are arrogant, who walk over other people, state their opinions relentlessly and firmly, or display other similar behavior.
Truth is, those people usually have no more love for themselves than those who are submissive, who despise themselves openly or intimately, who are insecure, and have self-esteem issues.
Their motive for displaying superior behavior is not self-love; it is actually the very proof of severe lack thereof. They behave as though they are better than others, because they are trying to prove that they are. And if they have the need to prove it, it usually means they don’t believe in it themselves.
True self-love is, in fact, self-acceptance. It is caring about your own happiness and well-being.
Why is it automatically understood that caring for oneself is a sign of selfishness? What do we truly take away from others, if we care for ourselves?
Self-love implies considering yourself as valuable as others. No more, no less.
True acceptance of this notion, eliminates insecurities, as well as the resentment toward other people. You no longer have the need to prove yourself to others, or the need to change others to better suit you.
Self — love doesn’t make you proud, boastful, or envious.. instead it makes you patient, more understanding of others…and overall a better person.
The accusation of selfishness might conceal an attempt of manipulation
We have all been called out for being selfish sometimes. Sure, there are times when we deserved the reprimand, when we’ve truly been selfish.
But what about being called out as selfish when you’re merely taking your own needs into account? This often happens to people who are starting to do some self-improvement work.
Personal growth and development movement often puts emphasis on taking care of yourself — from the food you eat, the cosmetics you use, to how you treat your body, and — most importantly — your psyche.
This implies taking into account how you feel more than you have before. And some people around you are used to you putting them first. Even the smallest changes might make people who depend on your ‘selflessness’ afraid of losing the upper hand they conveniently had with you.
So, when you display behavior that shows changes in your priorities, you might get the ‘selfish’ etiquette.
This etiquette is a powerful one — since any act of consideration towards yourself is considered selfish, and selfishness is notoriously bad behavior, you are left defenseless.
It is our job to recognize those attempts at manipulation and remind ourselves that we should not rely on others to define what is selfish behavior and what is not. We are the ones defining things for us, just as others define them for themselves.
So, here is something to consider:
- Loving yourself doesn’t make you selfish.
- Those who are trying to convince you otherwise might have their own selfish hidden agenda.
- It is your job to make the distinction between self-loving and selfish behavior, which is probably the most difficult part… but that would require an entire other article to explain.
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