Message to Andrés: On Talking About Feelings

Thursday, September 14th, 2023:

Hey, Andrés. Gah gah. Listen, you are my friend too. I do want to talk to you. But, only when it feels safe.

Last weekend did not feel safe for me and I hope you’ll listen to why.

I actually tried to talk to you at the time, to air things out, troubleshoot for next time, and see if there was something that could be done to salvage the evening. That’s when you said, “Girls, let’s stop the conversation because if it keeps going I will get mean.”

I’m really glad you had the self-awareness to say that, but it was still a scary thing to hear.

It also felt really uncomfortable later, when you were questioning Marisol and me for just picking out songs and trying to enjoy the evening.

After a difficult start to the evening, it seemed you were enjoying yourself and I started to relax a little. But from what I gather, although you acted like you enjoyed the evening, you apparently didn’t. So now you want to share that with me: your discomfort at the weekend. I honestly wish you’d shared it directly from the get-go, since now it’s too late for me to do anything. But I’m willing to listen to your discomfort if you’ll pause to listen to mine for a moment.

Here’s last weekend, from my point of view: I don’t go out on Friday nights, EVER. Friday nights are sacred to me. I try to make them my happy place, where I can heal from the challenges of being a human. I bake my challah, I sing my songs, and I hide from the world.

Instead, I ended up being drawn into this storm of feelings that you were having but not actually sharing, so I felt upset and helpless.

You haven’t told me directly, but what I gather from reading the situation and from what Marisol felt at liberty to say, you were disappointed that we invited Valérie. You had wanted to push your boundaries and do something exciting and now you weren’t going to feel comfortable. You felt upset at us, too, that we had told her she should come, and primarily at me because Marisol told you that it had been my idea.

Just so you understand what happened:

The night Marisol invited me, we were out having fun, she and Kayla brought up the karaoke, and they were like, “You should come! We’ll be there, Andrés and some of his friends, and Kayla’s husband.”

So then the next week we’re out with Valérie, we’re drinking and having fun, and I honestly don’t remember who actually said it first, me or Marisol, but it was basically the same: “You should come! We’ll be there, Andrés and some of his friends, and Kayla and her husband.”

I didn’t receive a formal invitation and I didn’t give one. I was just a friend asking a friend to a public event.

OF COURSE if I had known you didn’t want other acquaintances I would have not said anything, but I had no way of knowing that.

I tried to apologize on Friday night anyway. Even though it was unintentional and I had no way of guessing your feelings, I still felt bad that you felt bad and wanted to help save the night.

You were the one who didn’t want to talk. Okay, fine. But then because you were apparently trying to repress your feelings, you behaved in a way that felt very uncomfortable for me.

This sort of behavior actually elicits a trauma response in me because it feels very similar to one of the main ways that Gavin used to abuse me.

All that said, I would absolutely love to be there for you and your feelings. BUT NOT if it feels the way that last weekend felt like for me: like a passive aggressive blame game. It sucked and it made an already difficult week much harder. This week was also hard, which is why I’ve taken my time to respond and will continue to do so. You can feel free to respond via text or voice memo. I’m also happy to have a conversation with you in person but that would require a lot more emotional labor so it would have to wait until I’m ready.

I do really really like you. You’re pretty much one of the only men I let into my Happiness Palace. I think you’re a good guy. I know it’s hard for guys to be vulnerable, and I see you trying to do that now. I am happy to help you, as long as I feel safe. For me to feel safe, I request that you honor your own emotions and vulnerability and then communicate them properly. That way, it can be a two-way street, with us holding space for each other, giving and receiving apologies and building for better outcomes in the future. If that’s what our conversation would be like, I’ll participate in it when I am ready.