Letter to the Community: On Creating Safe Spaces to Dance

THE PAINFUL STORY

When I first arrived in Montreal, I looked to Dance to find my people. It seemed like the obvious thing to do; I love Dance, and attending meetups felt like the logical way to meet people and integrate myself into the community.

Unfortunately, this was easier said than done.

The day of my first meetup arrived. I met several people, including one man who was about 25 years older than me. When I said goodbye to everyone, he opened his arms wide for a hug. I would have literally had to turn tail and reject him outright if I had wanted to avoid his wingspan, and that felt unreasonably rude. So, although I had only just met him, I opened my arms, too.

The hug lasted far too long. It was a full body embrace, too. He rubbed his arms up and down my back, and released me only after a very long time had passed.

It could have been a lovely moment of intimacy, had he been an old friend. But I had only just met him.

I left the gathering feeling odd, vaguely aware of the knot that was forming inside my stomach. A decade later, that knot is only just now starting to dissipate.

This incident has not been the only one for me, and similar violations have been perpetrated against many people in this community and in others; boundaries pushed, consent tossed aside. Sometimes it’s not just an inappropriate hug; sometimes it’s much, much worse.

Unwanted advances.

Spotters copping a feel.

Rape.

WHEN OUR DANCE SPACE FEELS UNSAFE

Acrobatic Partner Dance is a fucking beautiful art. At its best, it allows for co-creation of extraordinary depths. Movements we couldn’t make alone transform into an intricate dance when your body is combined with that of other human beings.

The sport is dangerous, though, and we trust our partners with our safety. If communication isn’t at its best, people can get hurt.

It is unconscionable to make our partner feel unsafe in a moment when, physically, they need all their wits about them. A spotter or partner who chooses this moment of vulnerability to take advantage of somebody with their guard down is committing a terrible act (not to mention it is illegal). It is also unacceptable to take advantage of the nature of the art, which includes touching, as a pathway toward inappropriate touch. Nobody should even have to say “no.” This just should not happen.

The Dance community should not be a space where we feel afraid. But sadly, for many of us, it is.

Now, every single time I attend a Dance event, I must ask myself a series of questions:

· Who do I feel safe working with?

· Who will make me feel unsafe?

· What if I don’t know this person? Should I reject them offhand? Isn’t that rude? But what if they hurt me, out of ill intentions or just plain recklessness?

As an obvious result, it is not easy to attend Dance events. I end up missing out on fun experiences, simply because I am obliged, as a matter of self-preservation, to figure out where the dangers are and how to avoid them. It’s impossible to relax and get to know people with so much threat-management happening in the background.

That’s fucking stressful, and it’s not fair.

WHAT TO DO IF WE VIOLATE A BOUNDARY

One of the biggest problems with issues of interpersonal violence is that nobody wants to be branded “the bad one,” as though the only person who can break consent is a villain in a Hollywood movie. The truth is much more nuanced than that; we are a product of our experiences. Consent is complex, and varies from person to person and moment to moment. Sometimes even with the best intentions, we cause pain to other people.

If we inadvertently hurt somebody, it is our responsibility to face the problem head-on and to learn and grow from the experience. It is our job to stay humble.

When we have a reaction like that, we make our community a better place. We become part of the solution instead of the problem.

But if, when confronted, we spit out, “How could they possibly say that? I would never do such a thing! I’m not a ‘bad person’! I’m a good one! Now I need you to make ME feel better…” If that is our reaction, then it means we care more about our reputation than actually righting a wrong. It means we should not remain part of a community that counts on authentic and genuine communication in order to thrive.

GOOD PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES: MAKING OUR COMMUNITY A BETTER PLACE

It has been nearly a decade since my first Montreal Dance meetup. The hug incident was sadly not the only time that I’ve been made to feel uncomfortable by members of our community. However, I’ve learned a lot about stating my boundaries and speaking up when somebody is inappropriate. I’ve had some very productive consent conversations; a person can go from breaking a boundary to becoming an ally with the right kind of communication.

I have some very close friends here now, too.

Authentic communication is real, folks, and it WORKS. So, let’s do the work. Let’s be a community. Let’s talk to each other with respect. If somebody tells us we’ve hurt them, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and be open to the conversation. Let’s be honest about our weaknesses, and learn and grow together.

Let’s make people feel welcome and SAFE. Because then…we all get to play!