On Failure and Silver Linings — B.G.
June 12th, 2022:
I turned off my cell phone so we could hide from the world.
It’s full of bad people and I don’t like it, not one stinking bit.
I got bad news on Friday.
That’s two days ago, in case you’re wondering. Today is Sunday.
I tested out my energy today. I was able to design two mail-outs, and walk to the grocery store.
That was enough accomplishment for the day.
I thought, if I stay sick, maybe I don’t have to worry about missing work, since I’m spending pretty much zero money.
Except on rent, of course. Rent is the worst. I can’t even imagine being grown-up enough to own my own home. I get nauseous just thinking about the commitment.
It’s funny that I’ve been married twice now but I’m still scared of being a homeowner.
Maybe I’ve just always understood that you couldn’t divorce a piece of property as easily as a human being.
Anyway. I failed my exam.
I found out Friday and just kind of lost it.
I’m pretty sure I howled.
There’s something really cathartic about being tragically overcome with disappointment.
Mommy picked up right away when I called her. It may have actually been the first time I’ve ever called with no warning at all, although we had said we would speak that afternoon so perhaps I wouldn’t have dared otherwise.
She listened to me howl.
Then she said lots of dumb and stupid things that were very reasonable, like this is just one exam and you are still brilliant and this is the universe telling you you don’t need any more projects…
We talked on the phone for an hour and a half after that, and I almost completely managed to forget the exam at all.
That’s the magic of Mommies, I suppose.
B.G.
