Is It Love? Or An Abusive Relationship?

7 warning signs he’s truly a mean-spirited d!ck

These are the warning signs that I wish I had paid attention to when I started dating the man. These are the warning signs of an abusive, mean-spirited man. They seem like love, attention, and devotion but they are truly signs of possessiveness, extreme jealousy, isolation, domination and control.

In the beginning I could have used the power of my voice to say “There is no way in hell that I will allow someone to treat me like a piece of crap.” That would have ended the relationship before I was subjected to intense emotional and physical abuse. But I was desperate for love and he fed my need.

These signs speak to our lack of self-confidence and because we meet someone who pays extreme attention to us and speaks of their undying devotion and love, we fall into their trap. Lack self-confidence causes us to stifle our real authentic voice and we don’t stand up for ourselves, our time, our world and our independence.

That’s how I got caught and trapped. My self-confidence was so low because of child abandonment issues that someone saying I want to spend every waking moment with you was wonderful and I fell fully into the trap. If I had been self-confident,I would have used my voice and said that’s sweet but you’re stifling me and making me feel anxious and nervous.

These signs happen while you’re dating and when you experience any of these signs or any behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, run the other way. Do not excuse or think it’s sweet or cute. Run.

  1. Love — the word gets thrown out around the second time you’re together. He loves you and couldn’t imagine life without you. He can’t stand being away from you for even a single minute. It sounds romantic but it’s exactly the opposite. Run as fast as you can. It is not love he is talking about. It’s possession.
  2. Look After You — all I want to do is look after you and your kids. That’s all I live for now that I’ve met you baby. Do you need someone to look after you? And what does he mean by look after you? Does it mean you will only have him in your life or will you be allowed friends and family? Be confident in your ability to look after yourself and say no thanks, I’m good.
  3. Pretending to cry because he’s going to spend a day, night or an hour without you. Classic manipulation. You know you want to go out with your friends or stay home alone or visit your mom — Do That! Do not give into his crying for your attention. He will cry then argue then attempt to make you feel guilty for leaving him when he so devoted. This is a serious danger sign. Let him go. You want a partner where you can live your life and keep it separate.
  4. Let Your Friends Go: Telling you that others are deceiving and manipulating you and you want to avoid them. This is classic pot calling the kettle black behaviour. If you’ve known your friends since kindergarten and you feel comfortable telling them your deepest, darkest secrets, keep doing it because those are your friends and they hold a special place in your life. This is the first step in isolating you so he can control your every move. Not the kind of guy you want. You want someone who wants you to have friends, fun and family.
  5. Anticipatory Fear: You feel on edge when it’s time to see him, you don’t know why but you feel like something is going to happen that is not good. When you truly love each other, you anticipate joy when it’s time to see each other, not fear, anxiety or nervousness. Move on from anyone who makes you feel scared to be around them.
  6. His Expectations: do you wonder if you can meet his expectations? Especially the silent, unspoken ones? He wants you to dress a certain way or behave a certain way that is not you. When you meet someone and they immediately want to change you, it’s time to move on. Be with someone who loves you just the way you are, quirks and all.
  7. SEX. He will demand, take, coerce, or manipulate you. You find yourself having sex because you felt you had no choice. You didn’t and you’re correct. He drops by late at night claiming to be missing you so badly which is really code for all the other girls turned him down. That is not love or respect. Sex is mutual and not a tool to hurt, harm or make you feel guilty or ashamed. This is a guy you want to say goodbye to as fast as you can.

These signs are all creepy and leave you feeling uncomfortable and you start questioning yourself and your choices. Right then is when you stop the relationship. When you find yourself worried or wondering what he will think of you or if he will approve of your clothes, your hair or your friends, or if he will demand sex or make a scene in public, you are not beginning a loving relationship build on mutual respect and love. You are entering a nightmare of verbal, emotional, mental and quite possibly physical abuse.

If I listened to my gut and had the confidence to speak up, say no and know my self-worth, I would not have been his punching bag. I would have moved on right away. You can too. Pay attention, know the signs and free your voice.