My Fear Foods

I had this idea of what the term “fear food” meant. I was convinced I did not have any. Boy was I wrong.

Fear food can mean different things for different people. In my case, I don’t realize the fear until it is right in front of me. I don’t have this list in my head of forbidden treasures. Certain words are not taboo. But when it comes time to face a fear it hits me smack in the face.

Dairy. This one is tricky. I have cut dairy from my diet in the past for the benefit of my nursing babies. And while doing that I also discovered that dairy had been triggering headaches and migraines for me! It started as something totally beneficial, but has paved the way for fear and restriction. After giving my body some time to heal, I discovered I could have some dairy without triggering a headache. That means no more buying alternative butter, sour cream, or cheese. But I still won’t drink dairy milk, I limit dairy toppings, still stay away from most cheese and absolutely no dairy ice cream. I use dairy as an excuse to restrict, which is sad because I use to love so many things dairy! Fancy cheeses, yes please. Blizzards at DQ? Yum.

Cereal. This is so weird. I am talking breakfast cereal. We always have it on hand because my spouse and children frequently eat it, but I just won’t. I used the excuse of not using dairy milk as a reason to skip cereal as well, and now a bowl in front of me has me trembling. Something so fun and easy can send me spiraling.

Beverages. Ok, so this is pretty broad. Hang with me. Even at my highest restriction I would “allow” myself a can of soda during the day. And not that diet crap. I figured if I am going to put that junk in my body I might as well enjoy it, so regular soda it was. However, I would drink it solo. Not with a meal or snack. Soda would BE my entire lunch. All of my calories for the day. Now that my intake has improved (not perfect, not where it needs to be, but improved) I have leaned into water and water alone. Grabbing juice with breakfast or-gasp-hot chocolate with a snack it is earth shattering. It’s a terrible brain game.

Pizza. I don’t entirely know how this became such a struggle for me, but it hit me HARD. Why? Pizza is delicious! I miss just enjoying a few slices, oh gosh the pizza buffets. When I came home from residential treatment my husband invited our friends over for some pizza so I could surprise them and we could just enjoy time together. Silly me didn’t realize some pizza delivery would be a challenge right out of the gate.

This list is not complete, but a start. Why bother to make this list? To process. To set goals to continue to challenge them. I have breakfast processing group tomorrow. What if I bring cereal, with milk, and wash it down with some juice? Maybe a fancy hot chocolate? Oh the possibilities. I want possibilities. I want to be able to take my kids out for ice cream, and enjoy a treat with them. I want to enjoy a charcuterie board that I spent time curating. I want to invite everyone over for pizza and game night, and not let myself be distracted by food. I hope to get to the point of thinking of food as fuel, not fear.