shitty being -as ever

I am attending my first ever MUN(model united nations) and just as i expected I fucked it so damn much .

2 days have passed and I haven’t spoken a word , not that I have that much stage fear , it’s just that I always think that I am not good enough , good enough for anything , seeing people speak shit with confidence and not being able to express your thoughts is the worst thing ever .

you can’t imagine how much self hate I possess ,and I am so confused as to attend tomorrow’s session or not ,because my heart just can’t keep it calm ,

I don’t want to be this kind of person but I can’t even do a thing to change it , you will say I don’t try hard enough but I swear I tried so fucking much , I just can’t endure any stress . why on earth I am this kind of person ?

I didn’t even talk to another human being that’s the level of shit I am ,

writing it isn’t helping at all, I just can’t accept myself as a human being ,

I just want to die , one part of me push myself harder and the other pulls back harder , I just can’t live like this , no amount of motivation helps , I am a awful at being a person and I should accept the fact , I can never be better

because I am too scared of everything , too scared of myself , too scared of this world and I deserve this shit .

but this sucks .