This is not a weight loss story but the journey up to the point where the weight loss starts. I don’t think this is an extra-ordinary journey but that’s why I want to mention it because it’s so common and normal. I know there are many amongst you, who are in some part of this journey and are probably buried in self doubt. I hope you get some encouragement to believe in change after reading this. There was a time in my life where I would have taken the bet against me on losing 5+ pounds, let alone 30+. I wasn’t always overweight growing up but started gaining after college as I worked through my first few jobs. My fast food, street food consumption was high, but it didn’t matter much then since I was still young and my body would absorb it all.
As work, relationship & life happened, stressors grew and so did my intake. I didn’t recognize the connection until years later. I just considered myself a foodie, a connoisseur of fine street food, junk snacks. I philosophized that I am only appreciating the human enjoyment at it’s most basic form — good food with good company and that it was an ok life choice to have. Over the years, I moved from India to the US and my comfort food repertoire expanded, along with my belly.
We started a family, moved a lot, worked hard and celebrated almost every occasion by going out to restaurants. By this time I had gone from occasionally eating meat (chicken, lamb, fish ) to eating meat (chicken, turkey, fish, goat, lamb, pork etc. ) at least once a day if not at all meals. Fast food was my new found comfort. I was in the land of plenty and abundance, with ability to indulge unapologetically.
When I reached early to mid — thirties and approximately 185+ pounds I was getting conscious of my weight. More importantly I was concerned about not being active and not being healthy. I worried that I wouldn’t be mobile enough as my boys grew up to run around and play with them, meet them with their energy and in turn miss out on life opportunities with them. Definitely an exaggerated fear but that prompted me to take up a ‘Couch to 5k’ program. Consistently from the winter of 2012, when I ran my first 5k to the summer of that year and every spring/fall for the next two to three years I tried to stay disciplined about running as a habit. I had a gym membership as well, however what I didn’t do was complement the exercising with an equal adjustment in eating. The net result was negative, I ate liberally content that I am working out and breached 195 over the next 5–6 years.
While my wife encouraged me to join some professional program to assist with weight loss and get in shape, I was too proud to admit I was not confident about losing weight or looking leaner. I took the position that I was exercising, working out, running etc. to stay healthy, which is separate from being in shape and losing the excess fat. I was adamant that I cared about being healthy and active rather than looking lean or fit. I had false security with consistently reporting clean chit of health on my annual blood work with results in the normal range or borderline but never requiring medication. This kept me further convinced that things are fine.
Weight wasn’t only the issue I was dealing with. I have had a difficult relationship with money, anger, processing emotions, confrontation, articulating my wants and needs, relationships. On the outside I was successful, held a good job, made good wages, wonderful kids, we afforded vacations, were saving money and I was definitely happy. My moderate religious upbringing had equipped me with spiritual tools of reasoning, allowing me to focus on the positives of life, being grateful, balance my wish from getting too greedy, focus on the good etc. which allowed me to stay afloat and mostly happy. But something gnawed at me deep within. I was hitting bottom on the inside.
I know my wife has always sensed this unrest in me, but it was much later that I was able to acknowledge it myself. I was textbook happy, calm seas on the outside but restless and in turmoil with my own self. Through the pandemic I gained more weight, but kept my activity levels up. I started running for a 5k again. This time I found it rather frustrating and it usually took a lot out of my will power and all that energy I put in running, I would counter it by rewarding myself with take-out. This further perpetuated the negative spiral of being a let down, failing at health goals. This was parallel to not only the stress of Covid-19 at the time but a rather stressful turn of events at work that within months put me from a path of promise & promotion to my position being in jeopardy.
My stress levels shot through the roof. I was on a visa and a family that I had just moved out of my home of 8–9 years and had no energy to move homes again, let alone country. My health suffered exponentially, my anger issues flared, aged exponentially, experienced expedited hair loss and was just in a miserable dark place in my head. I proved myself to the new management, gained ground footing and improved my job & financial circumstance. None of this changed how I felt. I was doing everything right but nothing felt that way. Through this time I had swapped my runs to walks.
I began enjoying these peaceful walks, that allowed me to get out of the house, feel the cool fresh air and started tracking 2–3 miles daily. This improved my spirits and it became my go to stress buster. We kept progressing in our life with all the right things but something was still amiss. All my life I have tried to follow self help books, read inspirational quotes, follow success stories, emulate and imitate behaviors of famous people to figure out what they did that I was missing. Follow your passion, live your dream, chase your goals, I feel like I had heard it all but didn’t understand it at all. I had still not learnt how to go after things that I wanted or needed, I was going after things society preaches you to chase. It was as mechanical as it was boring.
Throughout my life I have also had an active interest in psychology. I had never pursued it in any professional capacity but loved to read about it when I could. If I was even a tiny bit self aware, I would have sought it’s help long ago given all my internal chaos. It was as if the universe was throwing me all the signs I needed and I just was too blind to connect the dots. A chance lunch with a friend, who had just relocated closer to me led to us talking about healthy lifestyles. He happened to mention a program that was built for weight loss, but included psychology and involved interacting with a coach virtually. This was the perfect package, something I could do at my own schedule, discreetly because I was somewhat socially conscious and shy about seeking coaching & also financially too guilty to spend on myself.
I was turning 42 and have been fascinated by this number ever since my son told me about it from ‘The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. If you haven’t read it, highly recommend it or at least go watch the movie. I figured if I was serious, let me spend some money on this program and give it a shot. I was so nervous about signing up. I was physically afraid that I am going to fail at this again. My self doubt kicked in; how am I suddenly going to figure out losing weight when I have tried for 12+ years without much success. There is an inner optimism to me that I have not met since my youth that decided to show up to encourage me. I motivated myself with this one thought — ‘If I could commit to this program and lose weight and prove success to myself here, I will believe in my ability to change some of the other things I have been fighting’.
Weight was the demon in the moat of my inner castle. If I was to conquer my way back to myself, this was the first battle I need to win. In my case losing weight was the first step to many other changes I wanted to make.
In other words, I needed to lose me to find the real me!!!
