My blurry vision finally settled on a wavy pattern on the ceiling.
Another morning… in this stinking room.
Hey! Be grateful. You’re alive and have a roof over your head.
You should have just died in your sleep.
I rolled my eyes and turned to the side, facing the clock on the other side of the wall.
7:30am. I had a class at 8.
Damn. I was always so incompetent. A star student in secondary school but barely keeping my head above water in uni. The forces of nature had turned against me. Perhaps I was doomed to mediocrity.
Don’t say that. Things will work out for you.
~
Ugh! Work out indeed. I had managed to get dressed in 17 minutes. I was at the bus stop at 7:52 when it started raining. I had no umbrella. I knew the forces of nature had turned against me. This time choosing to pelt me with rain. Just before I left my room, I had deliberated within myself whether or not to take an umbrella along after a glimpse at a few grey clouds. Besides the fact that the weather these days was so unpredictable, I guess I was pretty stupid too for forgetting to check what today's weather would be.
~
I was drenched and missed my class. Trudging miserably back to my room to change my clothes, I happened to cross paths with a course mate.
Pass quickly, pass quickly, she won’t notice you.
“Sam” she spotted me.
Damn it. Now I had to act happy to see her.
“Heyyyy” I said, a little too brightly. She knows you’re faking it and she’s here to mock you. I mean, you look like a loser right now.
Shut up!
“…Sam?…” she was staring at me. I realised she had been talking. I returned an awkward smile.
Damn it. I didn’t hear a word she said. This is what I get for being in my head too much.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m good” I beamed falsely.
“Looks like the rain got the better of you. Sorry about that”
She’s mocking you.
Shut it! She seems genuine.
“Anyway, bye. We have our next class by 12”
“Yeah. Yeah”
You sounded like a pathetic loser. If there was a list of the most pathetic people in the world, you would be among the top 3.
I slumped my head in defeat. I could never catch a break with my inner critic. I felt my chest contract in mortification. If only I knew how to maintain a conversation like a normal human being.
~
I lay in bed with a pen and my journal. One of my safe places. The serenity I felt while journalling was surreal. My head was a hive of words and only my pen could do them justice. I scribbled;
Voices in my head
Are you friends or are you fiends?
I sighed. Sometimes it wasn’t so easy to write down my thoughts either. Especially when I couldn’t make sense of them.
A notification popped up on my phone. Instagram. I had turned on post notifications for a popular girl I was stalking. It was a picture of her hanging out with her friends at a fancy restaurant. I had tried to befriend her in my first year but it was a one-sided effort and I soon gave up. Reluctantly.
Nobody cares about you. You’re pathetic and have no friends. You’ll never be as pretty as them.
I sighed again. I might as well jump off a cliff, maybe someone would at least care.
That’s not true. Your family cares. God cares. He has good plans for you. And whether you know it or not, there are people rooting for you. You’re going to be fine.
I’m going to be…fine? My inner critic could be so harsh and any kind word I said to myself felt like a lie. Every day was a war with this malicious voice inside my head. Like in cartoons, I imagined it was a tiny devil sitting on my left shoulder whispering vitriol into my ear.
Be kind to yourself.
Ha! Have you seen yourself? All you’ve done is mistake upon mistake. You’re failing at everything. You’ll never be good enough.
Lies! Why was I so quick to believe the negative things I thought about myself and never the positive ones? I was even sceptical of people who said nice things about me.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Lord helps you.
Another notification popped up again from the same girl. I hit ‘unfollow’ and plopped the phone by my side.
I had an assignment to submit before midnight and two more classes.
It was 11:47am. The next class was by 12.
Argh! I didn’t want to miss another class.
Incompetent…
Hush! You’re human, you make mistakes. Now move on and stop wallowing in self-loathe.
I hurriedly got dressed and checked out my outfit in the mirror.
I didn’t look so bad after all. I plastered on a small smile.
Look who’s beautiful when she smiles.
Pfft! You’re ugly.
You know that bully who’s always booing whatever you say when you’re trying to give a speech or make a point and you just learn to pay him no mind? Yeah. That’s how I would treat this malicious voice.
Exactly. Don’t believe everything it says.
My smile grew wider. I picked up my bag and headed for class.
