+trying

The first time I saw that you’d made me a playlist

Based off of my twitter handle

I felt the tears come

When you changed the name from +trying to +loving

When we started dating

I felt the tears come

The last time I opened up my spotify

You’d hit the backspace on that piece of your life

When in love was the new name

When in love

Was the gift you gave me

I felt the tears come

In complete honesty

Rancho at night does not seem to match up to the halls I walk during the day

For then I can pretend the starry sky

And the cold air and the warm hands and the blanket I brought for you do not exist

During the day I can pretend that the pyramid is as ancient as it’s sisters

I can pretend that I read you my poetry on the other side of the world

I can pretend that maybe that poetry wasn’t mine

It wasn’t mine

I want to erase it

But erasers never really clear the words off of the paper completely

I wish they could

Maybe I could write a new poem in its place

But you see, I only write in black pen

I stood up in front of a crowd of strangers to declare my love for you

I felt the eyes boring into me as I walked up to the mic and acted

As I read a poem that took weeks

I am an actress

I did it all for you

That was the most wretched way I have ever used both of my art forms at once

And when you told me the man next to you said my piece was too much

I brushed it off as you did

I didn’t write for a month

Because the confidence to walk up to that mic in the first place

Had already put me in debt with myself

The confidence to sit back down as two people out of thirty applauded for me

Took even more

It took two and a half weeks across the country

And performing the revised poem in New York City to a crowd who gave a standing ovation

To pay that back

We stopped writing poetry to eachother after awhile

In complete honesty I was glad

It always felt like you wanted more from me

And I gave it

I gave until I was heaving words

Pouring them out of lips I didn’t love anymore

My poems to you were forced and unpolished

A window into my clouded mind

No revisions

No rewrites

Raw

Every single one of them

Speaking them to you felt like I was handing you something not quite finished

My hands shook when you kissed me through an entire movie

I paid for your ticket

I’m sure you didn’t even notice

One of my favorite songs is from that movie, y’know

Never once do I think of you when listening to it

I just think of how we sat in the front row and I hate the front row

Especially with action movies

Loud noises make me jump

But you don’t need to know that

All you needed to know was how many times your lips could make their way

Into mine before someone yelled at us

Nobody did

My lips felt raw afterwards

I used them to lie to my mother and tell her that you were just my friend

My couch is a ghost town

And as soon as I wrote that line I felt my mind let go of myself

Because I held your hand for two hours on the part of the couch where I do my homework

I kissed you for the first time on the armrest

I kissed someone for the first time on the armrest

I fell asleep in your lap on the cushions

Some days I wish you were still there for me to rest my head on

And now it’s a headstone

Of a graveyard made of playlists and poetry

I felt guilty for wanting to fall asleep while kissing you

You were the judge and it was so clear I had broken our oath

I wouldn’t fall asleep

You didn’t want me to

You wanted to kiss me while looking out the sliding glass door of my bedroom

You didn’t want to pick a hulu movie you just wanted to kiss me

You didn’t want me to tell you about my art wall you wanted to kiss me

You didn’t eat the food my stepmother handed you you wanted to kiss me

You didn’t want to listen to my sister’s music you wanted to kiss me

You didn’t want to talk to my family you wanted to kiss me

You didn’t want us

You wanted me

At one point I thought that was enough

It wasn’t enough

It never will be enough for me

I wore your initial on the crook of my neck

As I walked through LA Pride

My sign claimed I was in love with a girl

A woman stopped me and told me how she wished she was as brave as me

When she was my age

It was indeed brave for me

I wanted to tell the world that I loved you

Now that I don’t anymore

Sometimes I feel like I only deserved that bravery when I was yours

See, I don’t like to go out on Friday nights

I like to hide in my room and watch Project Runway until I can’t keep my eyes open

I like to stare at the art on my walls that I know all too well

I like to facetime my friends and listen to them talk and talk about their days

I like to highlight books of poetry and use them to make new art

I like to turn Buzzfeed Ladylike on in the background while I organize my room

For the 800th time

But you

You made me want to leave the house some days

And of course I was scared every time

And every time I wanted to curl up underneath my blankets and hide

Because I fear even the best kinds of confrontation

But with you somehow

Once I got up I was invincible

I could take on every single thing life gave me

I found a reason to be reckless without my stomach tightening

When in love I gave my shaky hands

And racing heart

To a girl who took them as romantic

My inexperienced kissing is not romantic

It is merely afraid

I am often afraid

You either watch or you leave

Ignoring was never a valid option

Yet that is the one you chose

I know that one day the name of our playlist will change again

And again

And again

And one day I will become a story

That you tell yourself when you’re trying to fall asleep

I hope you know that I was not afraid of you

That you are not the villain

I hope you know that the villain was lost somewhere

In the cold night air

As I read you a poem that I wish I didn’t write