Growing Up Just a Little

They say ignorance is bliss, and I can’t argue. Imagine the time when you were the most carefree. For me it was as a kid. Dancing in practically nothing. Obnoxiously laughing until my stomach hurt. Singing to whatever, even though I sucked. My older siblings would always be embarrassed just being goofy and themselves in public. At the time I never really understood why. My chubby little 7 year old self just saw life as it was. No judgments on my part and I definitely did not care what others thought of me. I thought, why should I deny my own happiness for the sake of being cool or popular? But things change.. and people change.

Chubby little 7 year old self

I remained the same old goofy and weird self until around 5th grade when I became close friends with this girl. For the sake of this post we can call her Lizzie. I had been in the same class with Lizzie in 4th grade but we weren’t really that close. We actually all very strongly disliked her. During the summer however we started hanging out. I was this socially awkward and shy little Asian girl who was super weird. She was however “popular” or as popular as a 10 year old could be. People in our little school of 1,000 or so mostly all knew her. But it wasn’t for the best reasons. She was called rude and terrible things that no 10 year old should be called. “hoe” “sl*t” “b*tch” All because she wore makeup and had a couple of boyfriends, whom she didn’t do anything with. but, people talk.

By the beginning of the new school year we had been really good friends. I started going over her house every weekend and eventually sleeping over every weekend. She was my best friend. She would always throw little parties or hang outs. It was fun. I had fun. If it weren’t for her I would have never experienced the normal movie teen stuff like playing truth or dare at 10pm at night under a random neighbor’s tree, or man hunt in a huge neighborhood at midnight. I would have never had all those fun sleepovers, SO MUCH ramen, frozen balloons full of water in the snow then pretended they were boobs, sneaked into the ice skating rink, stargazed at 2 am, been the logical person behind three best friends fighting over one guy, pulled an all nighter then watched the sunrise then knock out until 3 pm, witnessed ALOT of drama, cried a bunch, laughed a bunch and most of all if I never met Lizzie I would definitely not be the person I am today.

January 2015 (Frozen boobs)

We went through a lot Lizzie and I. Some things were for the better and others were pretty bad. Point is she had a pretty big impact on me. Because she was so popular, she had always cared what others thought of her. She had to maintain her Instagram status and make sure she always looked nice before leaving the house just in case she ran into someone she knew or that knew her. There’s nothing wrong with that, most of us are like that now, but at the time it was just something new. Before her I posted pictures of my hand made clay cupcake charm and of a stuffed Domo plushie and my shirt of a panda with a mustache saying “I mustache you a question.” Then after we became close, I started posting pictures of my outfits of the day #ootd and our “squad.” again nothing wrong with it, just something new.

“Squad”

Eventually the friendship ended (in a really abrupt and toxic way) but her name still followed me around. I was known as Lizzie’s best friend. and it wasn’t a good thing. I started to care what others thought about me. I started wearing makeup. I started dressing nicer. I avoided panda shirts. I posted on Instagram pretty often. I was apparently very stuck up. I was mean and judgmental of others. I felt suffocated in my own head. I was torn between the new wearing makeup and caring about what I wore to school person and the messy hair and wearing a t-shirt and leggings to school person. I was still a kid when all of this happened in 6th grade. I guess at the time it didn’t really occur to me what I was going through.

My personality was always a little “spongy.” I absorbed what was around me so when I was with the people closest to me and knew me well, I felt like I could be myself, the weird and obnoxious one. When I was around people who were “stuck up” I became stuck up and rude and judgmental. When I was around gossipy and fake people sadly I too became gossipy and fake. I’ve never been the type to blame others so I didn’t and don’t blame Lizzie for how I became. I simply changed.

Everyone at some point in their lives go through what we feel is this huge change. It’s inevitable. We go from a carefree, loving, innocent child to a hormonal, rude, stressed teen. It sucks but it happens.

We can’t ever go back to exactly who we were before. You can’t deny that you’ve changed. You just have to accept it.

Accept that you grew up. Accept that you’re probably now a bigger b*tch. Accept that now that you’ve experienced life. Real life. With all of its bs and unfairness. You’ve changed. Maybe for the worse but it’s okay. Accept it all but also appreciate where you are now and how you are now because it’s all a little part of growing up.