p.s. I …

for someone who claims to be so in tune with her emotions (I’m a cancer sun, what can I say?), I struggled with being honest with myself, & subsequently, the people around me for the last few weeks.

to be anything but open about what happens to me is foreign — I mean, within a few hours of meeting the person who is now my best friend (we were roommates during freshman orientation at UT), she already knew more about my love life than she might’ve wanted to. & to this day, is someone I never refrain from giving every little detail. I mean, like…. do you see my point?

so when I found myself unable to even type the eight-word phrase that had been on my mind for the last few weeks — whether it was in a text, or in a post — I knew that it was time to recapture the level of self-exposure I know very well. & I guess, go back to being the girl who is the living embodiment of “tmi”.

& so I poured my heart out on an instagram account you would never know is mine (about something you would never know I was thinking), & after a moment of “I should definitely delete this, I sound ridiculous,” I realized that it was & is ok for me to be where I’m at as long as I’m speaking my truth. so I stuffed down the hesitation & here I am.

& so maybe I’m not ready to confess my sins on a medium post but at the very least I’ve come to terms with what I’ve been feeling & how that may or may not affect what comes next in my life.

right now, to give the bare minimum of detail, I’m happiest when I get a random message from someone I still can’t believe I know in the way that I do & how funny it is that when I’m sitting in lecture, or at work, or on the bus, all of a sudden I’m caught up in a memory that makes me smile.

& I know now just how much all of those things matter & I’m ok with that.

I’m ok with my family & my friends not necessarily 100% agreeing with me all the time (though, I love them & will always hear them out).

I’m ok with the unconventional.

I’m ok with diving into the deep end with no lifejacket if it means I’m happy taking the risk.

typing this now, I’m certain that if I’m ok with being here, that that’s all that really matters.

& coming to terms with that, & kinda sorta getting over this bump in the road makes me feel even more secure in my decisions than I ever have before.

so with that, I leave you with this:

if you’re happy, & you’re healthy, & you love who you are & who you’ve surrounded yourself with, than…. I’m happy for you.

& I can only hope that people would be willing to offer me the same courtesy.

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